Both, Either, Neither
by The Empty Set
Summary: Adventures in Informal fiction ... rewritten and renamed, but who besides me remembers that anyway? Focuses on the characters Akane, Ukyo, Ryoga, and Ranko. AU premise: Genma and Nodoka had a daughter... or did they? other minor AU changes.
1. Prologue

So this 'fic lives again! (which is a good or bad thing depending on your perspective) I made some minor grammer corrections to these early chapters, but I'm sure there are still mistakes. When I say, 'minor AU-changes', I could more accurately say: "I've turned the time-line into swiss cheese and that I will omit some minor characters and plot-lines completely". If ever there was a 'fic that deserved an apology to Rumiko Takahashi it is this one. This 'fic is written for an american/european audience and therefore cultural/linguistic conventions are westernized, since I do not have a deep enough understanding of Japanese culture, and would bastardize it even if I _tried _to respect it.

**Both, Either, Neither**

Prologue

Holiday at Jusenkyo1

When all was said & done wasn't as big a transformation as you might have expected. I mean when tossed an under-developed black-haired tomboy into a pool of spring water and an over-developed red-haired tomboy jumps out screaming at her father, it doesn't have quite the same effect as if you had thrown, say, a _boy_ into that same spring. Still it was not horribly surprising that both father and daughter were just a little bit hysterical… particularly since neither Genma Saotome nor his sole offspring, Ranko, had any experience reading the manga that chronicled their lives or the countless tales of fan-fiction that it had inspired and, as such, were somewhat unfamiliar with water-related transformations.

Of course the guidebook might have helped, but that was in Mandarin, and our esteemed reader, with his superior knowledge of the Ranma-verse, knows how much Mandarin Genma Saotome can read. Of course, Genma at the moment was not as astonished by his daughters abrupt 'ripening' as he was with his own transformation from a balding middle-aged man to a mammal with much greater hair coverage, as well as an increased appreciation for the subtle delicacy of bamboo shoots.

Least confused of the three, err… mammals, present at this auspicious occasion was our honorable Chinese guide, ever-ready to regale Jusenkyo's commonly unfortunate visitors with a "very tragic story". But he was _somewhat_ confused, seeing as how this had been one of the few possible varieties of spring-diving that he did _not _expect to naturally lead into one of his "very tragic stories".

So he removed his hat to scratch his head and said, "That very strange there. Normally for one like you, honorable miss, that spring not do anything".

To which Ranko, who was at moment looking down her shirt, now much tighter than before, replied, "You call _this_ nothing!".

Well of course not, but we all know (or at least all of us fan-fiction writers tend to assume) that the spring-of-drowned-girl normally _doesn't_ curse the _already_ female with a new body. Which in the guide's words is' "This, honorable miss, is spring-of-drowned-girl, very tragic story of girl who drown one thousand, five hundred year ago, now anything fall in spring take form of girl; honorable miss is already girl, normally not get curse with this spring … you would like maybe show spring-of-drowned-man? Is very tragic story … and nice curse, too! cause lots of amusing situation, works great at parties!"

While Genma, having figured out the pattern of these cursed springs and their tragic stories, was nodding a vigorous ascent, his approval was overridden by an irate Ranko screaming who drug him off screaming, "Oh, I think we've had _quite_ enough, thank you, honored guide, but we will _not_ be visiting the-spring-of-drowned-man or the spring-of-drowned-carrier-pigeon or for that matter the spring-of-drowned-_anything_. I would like to go home now, _DAD!"_

And so it was that father and daughter left Jusenkyo forever, forsaking the springs which had both cursed and had the potential to un-curse father and daughter. But that's another story. In particular, it's the one I was planning to write after this stupid protracted prologue idea I came up with.

Another Way to Switch Genders2

Meanwhile, above a small restaurant in a ward of Tokyo, a tall slender girl with long brown hair was becoming a boy. Not utilizing any water what so ever, but rather a long strip of white cotton binding and a school uniform. Ukyo Kounji was to, all friends, neighbors, and acquaintances, a reasonably nice boy who was somewhat withdrawn and an extremely good cook.

But Ukyo remembered a time when 'he' had been 'her' and 'he' rather missed 'her'. When that idiot Genma and his son had come along 'she' had disappeared forever. 'His' fathers daughter was dead now, and his 'son' wanted nothing more than to have his revenge on 'her' runaway fiancé.

Actually, Ukyo, wanted anything _but _revenge. For Ukyo, a unique blending of culinary and martial arts was enough to life and Ukyo could care less about 'him' or 'her'. If anything, Ukyo missed 'Ranchan', because back then life didn't really care about 'him' or 'her'. 'Ranchan' and 'Uchan' were better friends then Ukyo would ever make. If for no other reason than 'he' had a secret to keep now.

Ukyo finished rapping the clothes around 'his' chest and pulled 'his' shirt over them and sighed. 'He' honestly hoped he would never find Ranma, never actually have to take revenge for something Ukyo didn't really care much about anymore. '_But still'_, the okonomiyaki chef thought, '_I kind of miss him'_.

Lost on the Freeway Again3

A black haired figure in a yellow spotted bandana was running down what he hoped was the Chuo Expressway. That would be leading him southwest, which was the general direction of China where that cretin Saotome had run off to.

"Lost on the freeway again…"

Or course it was certainly plausible that this was the outer Tokyo loop and he was just running in circles. And those folks in kilts he'd run into at the last gas station left him with a nagging suspicion that this might actually be the M74 running out of Glasgow. Which wouldn't be the end of the world since that was still more or less the right direction for him to be headed, since if he was in Glasgow, China would be to the South East.

"Looking for a means to an end…"

Of course if he was on the A82 Fort William, than not only was he on the other side of the planet, he was headed in the complete _opposite _direction of where he wanted to be going. Stupid Ranma. If he had just shown up like he was supposed to, he wouldn't have had to be following him all over the glove like this.

"I've got a wound I know will never mend…"

Instead he'd be wandering the globe still trying to get to his backyard. Oh well. Maybe he'd find Ranma, maybe he wouldn't. If he found Ranma then he could finally have his revenge. If that was really what he was looking for, after all.

"Lost on the Freeway again."

Hating Hate4

"ARGH!"

Damn those bricks. You always ran out of them before you stop being angry. Then you got mad at the bricks for being broken. It was self-defeating really. But what was a girl to do when it was her only outlet?

Akane collapsed to the floor. She was tired of Kuno's crap. Tired of the damn hordes of boys. She'd wished once that she could be popular, that everyone would like her. Somehow she didn't think it would turn out this way.

Half the school loved her. They threw themselves at her like Lemmings off a cliff. And she had to beat them off day after day. It was frustrating. The other half of the school hated her. Well, Yuka and Sayuri didn't, but everyone else did. They thought she _liked _the attention. Jerks. Couldn't they see how sick of it she was?

'_I want the girls to like me and instead they hate me.'_

'_I hate the boys but they all _love _me_'

'_I wish something would make this all seem worth it._'

1) Everyone loves footnotes, right? I'm borrowing just about everything in this 'fic. Don't sue me. This title references a _Dead Kennedys_ song for no good reason.

2) Borrowed from the _Meat Puppets_, I know I'm not supposed to post lyrics, but it's only four lines, okay? I sing this song when I'm sad.

3)This title _doesn't_ reference a song because, although I thought about referencing "Lola" by the _Kink_s, I couldn't figure anyway to make the title work. Which reminds me of the fact that Gary Kleppe rewrote the lyrics to "Lola" as "Ukyo", which I found to be fairly amusing. If you're new to Ranma ½ fanfiction, you should check out his fairly extensive collection of 'fics, as well as Rakhal Stormwarden's Penultimate Ranma ½ Fanfiction Index, to try and find some of the good stuff from before this site came to dominate the Fanfiction community.

4)This title references a _Suicide Machines_ song, also for no good reason.


	2. Blatent Plot Devices

**Both, Either, Neither**

Chapter 1: An Introduction to Blatant Plot Devices

"I really think we should go home now, dad", demanded Ranko for what Genma Saotome was pretty sure was the thousandth time. Genma didn't reply. It wasn't that he didn't want to so much as he couldn't. He had yet to master the subtle art of panda-signing and, so, was restricted to incomprehensible ursine growls. While this might have had an affect on some other teenaged girl, Ranko was not, as she was quite fond of saying, afrid of anything. Well… in all honesty maybe she was afraid of cats, and awkward social situations, and … well lots of things, but she would never have admitted to _any_ of it. And she certainly wasn't afraid of her father.

So Genma resorted to the next best thing he could think of, and physically dragged his daughter with him through the Chinese wilderness. There was a village up ahead, and Genma that there was some chance that the legendary "Chinese Amazons" that the Jusenkyo guide had mentioned earlier would have some insight into removing the bizarre curse that he and his daughter had acquired. Actually, asking the _guide_ for some insight into this whole 'I'm a giand panda now' thing _might_ have been a good idea, but Genma _couldn't_ do that right now. Not just because the guide wasn't fluent in Panda, but because Ranko steadfastly refused to return to Jusenkyo. Since she was putting up marginally less resistance toward going to this village of amazons, Genma decided he'd have to take what he could get. '_Besides_', he reminded himself, '_bringing Ranko home is an even_ worse _ idea_'.

"Arghhh!", screamed his daughter pushing at her father's fur, "all right, We'll go to the village, but would you please _let me go!_"

Genma complied and he and his red-headed progeny approached Joketsuzoku with as much as dignity as they were ever likely to do anything. Now in other places, like say, Duluth, Minnesota or Peoria, IL a panda following a girl into town might be cause for some yelling and screaming, general commotion, or at least an injection of new life into the local gossip mill. As it was, however, the Chinese Amazons already lived fairly interesting lives so the advance of a girl and a bear into town was more of, "Hey Sam, there's a bear over there", "Oh, you don' say, Bill", event… or perhaps in the case of the amazons "Hey Lotion, there's a bear over there", "Oh you don' say, Hairspray", events.

So Ranko and Genma just sort of stood in the city square looking around like idiots and not attracting any particular amount of attention. It was then that it came to Genma. A true epiphany, rivaling such breakthrough thinking as Einstein's conception of time as a fourth dimension, Isaac Newton's idea of gravity as force, Copernicus's Realization that the _Earth_ moved instead of the sun, and the proverbial sliced bread.

"Girl", he signed, "Maybe you should talk to someone?"

Ahh, such genius, utilized to convey the blatantly obvious. Well, what did you really expect from Genma, anyway?

So Ranko tapped on the shoulder of the nearest passing villager, and said, "Uh… you don't speak Japanese, do you?"

Having thus displayed her brilliant conversational skills, Ranko prepared for the incomprehensible Chinese reply she was expecting. Well, Ranko, _got _an incomprehensible response, all right, but it wasn't exactly what she expected. The Amazon women who's shoulder that Ranko had tapped (whom Ranko noted was tall thin women with green hair and a single earing in her left ear) widened her eyes at Ranko and abruptly turn about and ran full out three buildings down and disappeared into a small one story house.

Ranko blinked and turned to her father. "I suppose she didn't", she commented.

"You don't say", signed her father in reply.

"Should I try another one?", Ranko suggested.

"Allow me", replied her father, via sign.

So Genma tapped the shoulder of a passing Amazon man, with a large scar bisecting his left cheek, glasses, and long light brown hair. This man, like the women Ranko had disturbed, looked at Genma with a shocked expression, and quickly ran out of his sight down the small dusty street upon which Ranko and her monochrome father stood.

"Maybe they don't like outsiders?", suggested Ranko.

"Oh, we don't mind outsiders", interrupted a short shriveled old women leaning on a cane. A women that we 'Ranma fans in the know' know has a name bearing striking resemblance to a certain masculine scent enhancing liquid. But Ranko didn't know that yet.

"Allow me to introduce myself", the old women continued, "I am Kho Lon, but you foreigners can go ahead and call me Cologne"

_Now_ Ranko knows too.

"Isn't that what you just said?", blinked a perplexed Ranko.

"Never you mind", Cologne replied (Since I, your humble, not so humble, or possible downright arrogant, author am, in the opinion of all Chinese nationals I've ever consulted, a foreigner), "You see, what you are witnessing is a very rarely performed tradition of tribe, referred to by some as a 'plot device'."

Ranko, her attention now somewhat fixated on the shriveled old women who had been so nice as to explain what exactly was going on in this strange, strange place didn't notice that the green-haired women she had previously spoken too had returned carrying a large clay pot decorated with ornate carvings engraved in an eye catching silver. A truly beautiful example of a local pottery tradition that had been past down generation to generation remaining unchanged for centuries.

"OH MY GOD THAT'S HOT!" screamed Ranko.

"You see", continued Cologne, un-perturbed, "when a red-haired foreign girl taps the shoulder of a tall thin amazon women with green hair, such as Lotion over here, it is a sacred amazon tradition that we splash her with scalding hot water as soon as humanly possible."

"OH MY GOD THAT'S HOT!" screamed Genma.

"And", a still un-perturbed Cologne continued, "when a large panda with the ability to magically produce wooden signs engraved with Kanji approachs an amazon man with a large scar on his left cheek and long brown hair like Herr Spray the honorary German amazon, it is a sacred amazon tradition that we splash it with scalding hot water as soon as humanly possible."

"Why in the _world_ do you do that?", demanded Ranko.

"Hey, it cured your curses, didn't it?", Cologne replied.

"Hey!", Ranko exclaimed, looking at her much flatter chest from a slightly higher perspective, "you're right!"

"Of course I am", the amazon elder stated, "you don't live for more than a century without learning _something_."

"So…", inquired Genma, in the best 'casaul conversation' tone he could fake, "we're cured for good and I never have to turn into a giant bear that longs for the sweet taste of un-cooked bamboo… right?"

"No…", Cologne blinked, '_how stupid can these people be?_', she thought to herself. "You _did _listen to the Jusenkyo Guide's 'very tragic story' didn't you?"

"Uh…", Ranko scratched at a sudden an itch she suddenly felt on her neck, "We kinda ran off before he finished."

"Well then", Cologne responded, "I guess _I'll_ have to explain. Each spring of Jusenkyo is cursed by the last creature to have drowned in it. The spring-of-drowned girl is cursed by a poor soul who drowned there one thousand and five hundred years ago. Your father fell into a pool into which a magical sign maker, cursed by the spring of drowned panda drowned in one hundred and six days ago. Actually, he fell into the spring of drowned panda and drowned there. I see your father has already picked up his abilities." (Hey, Takahashi never bothered to explain how he could do it)

"So", Colgned continued when Ranko and Genma failed to respond, merely staring at her and blinking, "I take it you two are martial artists?"

"Oh, yeah, you bet!", responded Ranko enthusiastically.

"I'm training my only child in my family School, the Saotome School of Anything goes martial arts, which I founded myself, actually", elaborated Genma, "though arrogant and disrespectful, I'm sure, with my expert guidance, my sole offspring will one day be the best martial artist in the world!"

"Your", Ranko made little quotation mark gestures, "_expert guidance._"

"Well then", continued Cologne, ignoring the father-daughter dispute, "you might consider fighting my great-grand-daughter; she is by far the _best _martial artist of our village… well except for me, of course"

"Uh…", Ranko glanced nervously at her father, "I don't normally fight girls"

"Oh come now, child", the amazon elder abraided the red-haired youth, "throw your cultural conventions aside, this is another country, with it's own set of cultural norms and values, around here we consider it is considered a great honor for a local man to fight a women"

"Uhmm… Okay then", agreed Ranko, only partially grasping the implications of the statement Cologne had just made.

"Good, then it's settled", Cologne stated, "she will fight you tomorrow at noon, I offer you my hospitality for the night."

"She-she ni!", responded Ranko and Genma ; one of the few Mandarin phrases they had picked up during their journey.

Cologne sighed and thought to herself, _"So _now _they try and use their language skills… I don't have the heart to tell them we don't speak Mandarin here_"


	3. Not even a little bit?

**Both, Either, Neither**

Chapter 2: Not even a little bit?

"Hey, 's r'lly 'ood!", Ranko somehow managed to say in between inhaling a big bowl of noodles. She and her father were sitting at a table with Cologne and her great-grandaughter, Xian Pu. (Shampoo, to us foreigners) Cologne had nicely offered them not only a place to spend the night in comfort but a hardy brunch as well.

Shampoo blushed and said something incomprehensible to the Japanese speakers at the table.

"My grand-daughter thanks you for the complement", responded Cologne. "She made this meal herself."

It occurred to Genma that if Shampoo couldn't understand Japanese, there was no way of her to know what his daughter was saying. So it made no sense that she had just thanked Ranko for the compliment. '_Oh Well_', he thought to himself, _'Don't hook a gift horse in the mouth… hmm… or is it look? … maybe it was 'don't _book_ a _giftcourse_ in the _south'_… I can't remember_'. Then he shrugged. It didn't really matter to him.

"You know… you are really fine, handsome youth", remarked Cologne, "I bet you'd fit right in if you wanted to stick around here for a while."

"Uh… thanks", Ranko answered, "but me and dad were just about to go home, right?"

"Well, actually", Genma replied, "I think it may not be such a bad idea for Ranko to stick around awhile and learn about the local fighting styles."

"_Dad!_", whined Ranko, _"I wanna go HOME!"_

"_Look, daughter",_ whispered Genma grabbing Ranko by the shoulder and drawing her close, "this is a _sweet_ set-up, they feed us, you learn martial arts, everything you could want."

"_But I want to see my mom!"_, protested Ranko, whispering as loud enough that Cologne could probably hear her, _"you promised!"_

"_Eh… that's the problem", _replied Genma_, "I made a promise_."

"Eh hmm", Cologne cleared her throat, "You know I'm still right here "

Father and daughter both laughed nervously and scratched at their necks.

"_We'll finish this later"_, Genma whispered out of the corner of his mouth.

"At any rate", Cologne remarked, "It's about time you and Shampoo got ready for your little match."

(scene break: que the intermission music; feel free to go for refreshments, visit the 'facilities', stretch your legs, okay were back in 3, '…', '…'"

"How come you didn't say two or one?"

"You don't say two or one."

"Well why not?"

"You just don't"

(And now we're back for real)

"Okay", cologne explained to the two martial artists perched at opposing ends of a wide log suspended by rope in the middle of the village, "you will fight until one of you is knocked off of this log, other than that, all moves are legal, and any means to victory is considered valid. Are you two prepared?"

Ranko glanced at the crowd gathered around them. She saw her father, already in his panda form, _'it's like he _likes _being a panda_', holding a sign saying, "Go for it, girl!". She nodded to Cologne. Shampoo nodded as well, a look of grim determination crossing her face as she settled into her ready stance.

"You may begin, then", Cologne responded, hopping down from her perch between Ranko and Shampoo.

Ranko glared at her oppenent, who seemed to be waiting for her to make the first move. '_Well okay then_',Ranko though_, 'let's see what she's made of_'. Ranko, ran forward and threw a relatively simple aerial kick toward her oppenent. She fully expected Shampoo to counter such a simple opening attack, but she wanted to get a feel for her opponent before she began anything more complex.

And that's when 'it' happened. 'It' was a tall brown-haired amazon boy with thick glasses in a white robe charging down the street and parting the crowd. 'It' leaped up off the ground and incased Shampoo in tight embrace, executing a perfect flip in mid-air and bring the pair gracefully to the ground both on their feet. 'It' received, for his efforts, a nice, hard, impassioned slap in the face, accompanied by a cry very familiar to the gathered crowd.

"MU TSU!" (Yep, that's Mousse)

Ranko, her target suddenly absented, landed on the teetered on the edge of the log for a moment before recovering her balance, and looked at the pair on the ground with some degree of perplexity. The white robed boy had, after Shampoo's vigorous application of her hand to his face, collapsed unconscious to the ground, Shampoo looked angrily at Ranko, then suddenly, her face lost all hostility and she leaped back up onto the log and grasped Ranko in a tight embrace (actually very similar to the one that had just been employed so effectively against her) and kissed her upon the lips.

"Congratulations, son-in-law!", Cologne exclaimed, pounding the stunned martial artist on the back. When Ranko mind started working again, it occurred to her that Cologne must have come up while she wasn't paying attention. Ranko realized that Shampoo was still glomped on to her then, and decided to stop paying attention for just a little bit longer and then see if the world had returned back to normal levels of insanity, instead if its current, _absolutely fucking crazy _levels of insanity. She found, unfortunately, that it didn't work.

"Wo Ai Ni!" exclaimed the purple-haired and boxum amazon that had attached herself to a certain pig-tailed martial artist.

"What's goin' on?", exclaimed the affore menation pig-tailed martial artist

"Well, son-in-law", Cologne explained, "When an outsider male defeats an amazon women in combat it is a sacred amazon tradition that the amazon women marry the outsider male as soon as humanly possible. Shampoo just gave you the kiss of marriage which, by our custom, marks the beginning of your official marriage, and, incidentally might keep that idiot Mousse away from her."

"But I'm a _GIRL!_", screamed Ranko.

"Oh…", Cologne was shocked for once. "Are you sure?"

"YES!"

"Your not a boy?"

"NO!"

"Not even a little?"

"What the hell does _that_ mean?"

"Well… Maybe you're a boy on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and you're a girl for the rest of the week."

"NO!"

"Just Tuesdays then?"

"NO, NO, NO! How many times do I have to tell you?"

"But you have a girl curse"

"Yes.'

"How can you have a girl curse when you're already a girl?"

"The guide thought that was funny too."

"So you're sure you're girl?"

"Yes."

"You know the difference, right?"

"I think so"

"Let me see?"

"WHAT KIND OF PERVERT ARE YOU? IF I SAY I'M A GIRL, I'M A GIRL!"

"Fine have it your way", Cologne sighed, "and you would have made such a good husband for Shampoo, I'm sure. Oh well. In that case, when an amazon women is defeated in combat by an outsider women it is a sacred amazon tradition for the amazon women to hunt down and kill the outsider women as soon as humanly possible. Shampoo just gave you the 'kiss of death', she will now chase you across the face of the earth until she finds you and kills you. And your panda too… I mean 'father'."

Ranko fainted and fell off the log, but that was okay. Her father caught her on the way down and hurriedly fled the town. Shampoo and Cologne conferred briefly in Mandarin and then Shampoo rushed after the two, shouting "Ranko, You I Kill!"

'_Good'_, thought Cologne, _'She's already practicing her Japanese, she's probably gonna need it_. _Too bad, about Ranko, though. I really liked_ _her._'


	4. I'm a what?

**Both, Either, Neither**

Chapter 3: I'm a _WHAT?_

Do you want to hear a joke that's not particularly funny?

No?

Too bad.

How do a red-head and a panda swim across the Straight of Korea?

Give up?

With an Amazon close behind them.

Or at least that's what they had assumed, as father and daughter gasped for breath upon pulling themselves up on a beach in western Kiushiu (the southern-most Major island of Japan) . They hadn't bothered to look back. Well they had bothered to look back upon jumping into the ocean back in what was probably South Korea and Shampoo had still been close at their heels then, but upon closer inspection…_ 'hmm',_ thought Ranko_, 'maybe she can't swim as well as me_'.

"Pops?", Ranko asked looking at her father, who was doing a fairly good impression of a drowned panda. A _really_ good impression. "Are you dead?"

"No", signed the Panda, "I just wish I was."

"Come on, Pops", Ranko began dragging her father, "let's get out of here before that crazy Chinese girl shows up again."

(Meanwhile in China)

"What do you mean they _swam_ across the Straight of Korea?", demanded a wrinkled old women of her exhausted great-granddaughter They were, in case you didn't infer it, talking in their local dialect of Chinese. Which I may as well write in English because you probably don't speak it and I sure as hell can't write it.

"I meant what I said!", responded an exasperated Shampoo, "they _started swimming and they didn't stop_, I had to turn back when I got to Cheju-do (That's an Island off the shore of South Korea)"

"Well…", sighed Cologne, '_I swear this started out seeming like such a good idea, how the hell did it turn into such a mess_', "I'm afraid it is a sacred amazon tradition to…"

"Oh you can the 'sacred amazon tradition' speech", interrupted an irate Shampoo, "we can just skip straight to the part where you throw me in the spring of drowned cat."

"Okay then", Cologne responded with a sort of dogged enthusiasm, "well, there is _some _bright side to all of this."

"And what", Shampoo demanded, "In the name of our three thousand year tradition is that?"

"Once you're cursed", Cologne smiled, "we'll be able to _mail_ you to Japan. Just think of what that'll save the village on airfare!"

"Couldn't we just buy the tickets on ?"

"That's crazy talk, child; You know it is a sacred amazon tradition _not_ to do anything that William Shatner endorses."

"Could I convince you that William Shatner endorses mailing small animals to Japan?"

"I'm afraid not, dear child. I'm afraid not"

(So let's go back to Japan)

"So now we're gonna go home, right pops?", Ranko inquired as she was wrung out some of the water from her soaked clothes, "I mean we did the whole, 'see the village of the amazons' thing, and we did the whole 'see the cursed training grounds thing' and before that we did the whole 'sneak out of the restaurant without paying the bill thing' and since we've been building up a sequence of increasingly worse consequences to each decision I've been letting you make, I _really _think we should try one of _my _ideas for once."

"Um… well let me explain", signed her father, who sat up and brushed at his water logged fur, "Can we get hot water first?"

(One amazingly eventful trip to the local public baths that I'm not going to describe later)

"Okay, daughter", Genma begun, "when you were very young I made a certain promise to your mother and then set out to take you on a long training trip whereby I intended to train you to be the best martial artist you could possibly be."

"Uh huh", nodded Ranko, "So now I'm the best and we can go home, right?"

"Well…", Genma continued, "this promise I made your mother didn't have so much to do with martial arts"

"Oh…", Ranko hesitated, "so what was it, then?"

"Well...", Genma continued, "Your mother was concerned about you growing up without a major feminine role model in your life so I promised her that I would bring you back as a "women amongst women'."

"What the hell does that mean?", demanded Ranko.

"Uh…", Genma was getting progressively more uncomfortable with how this conversation was going, "You know, table manners, being polite, wearing makeup, that sort of thing."

"Uh… huh…", Ranko thought for minute.

Genma wiped the sweat from his brow, grateful for the reprieve.

"Now, I'm a bit confused, _dad_,", Ranko spoke through clenched teeth, "why is it you were always telling me, 'don't be a week little girl, Ranko', 'you don't want to wear dresses girl, try these pants instead', 'girl you don't have _time_ for table manners if you want to be a martial artist', and 'being polite is for wimps'?"

"Well…er", Genma was once again sweating like a sprinkler, "Um… I figured you were doomed to be an incorrigible tomboy anyway so I just… uh… acted naturally?"

"HOW COME I DON"T BELIEVE YOU, DAD?"

"Well…", Genma decided to practice the not-so-dreaded finale attack of the Saotome school, yep, you know it, the "crouch of the wild tiger". He accompanied it by speaking fast enough that there was no way Ranko would understand what he was saying, "Whenyouwerebornyouwereaboytheybotchedthecircumcisionsoyourmomwantedtoraise-asagirlbutIstillwantedaboysoItookyouawayanddecidednevertoreturn"

"Hold on pops", Ranko demanded, "slow_ down_."

'_Damn_', thought Genma, '_I shoulda known she'd say that_'. "Uh… When you were born you were a boy but we decided to have you circumcised and the doctor screwed up the operation and left you maimed so your mother decided we should raise you as a girl but I still wanted a son so I took you away and decided I'd never go back."

"WHAT!"

"Eh, heh, heh?", Genma scratched nervously at the back of his neck.

"I'm a _BOY?_"

"Yes!", Genma shouted hugging his daughter while tears sprayed from his eyes like an out of control fire hydrant, "Oh my, daughter, I've waited so long to finally call you my son!"

"I'm a _BOY_?"

"Er", Genma;s tears momentarily dried up, "Yeah… We did that part, now we can move on to the part where you finally get to accept your masculinity and we move on and become a great father and son team, take Japan by storm today and the world tomorrow!"

"I'm a _BOY?_"

"Your kinda stuck on that, huh?", Genma commented, his daughters expression hadn't changed at all from the wide-eyed surprise that had set in with her first 'I'm a _BOY?'_.

"I'm _not_ a _BOY!_"

"Er…", Genma hesitated not liking the murderous rage he saw setting his, '_oh-thank-the-kami I can finally say it_', son's face, "Can we go back to you being stuck?"

Somewhere from Ranko's subconscious the appropriate words for the situation rose the surface, "GENMA SAOTOME!"

'_Oh, uh'_, thought Genma Saotome, _'it's looks like it's 'running time' again'_

"YOU I KILL!"

'_Hmmm', _thought Genma Saotome_, 'This is the way up to Tokyo, I wonder what my old friend Soun is doing these days?'_


	5. LCD: A tribute to Gary Kleppe

Apology: While doing some long overdue proof-reading (which is still somewhat under-done in this story), this chapter was inadvertently replaced by a copy of the previous one.

**Both, Either, Neither**

Chapter 4: LCD: A Tribute to Gary Kleppe

Nabiki Tendo was relaxing on her families porch. It was a nice day. A Sunday; she was caught up with her school work and had nothing better to do than lounge in the warm late summer breeze and day dream. A calm and relaxing day. Sure her older sister might busy herself with the concerns of running the household and her sister was probably breaking bricks and muttering about 'stupid perverts' but Nabiki had nothing better to do than sit back and relax and enjoy this beautiful, clear summer day.

With scattered showers apparently. '_That's odd_', thought Nabiki to herself, '_the weather's never been this fickle in Nerima before._ _I sure hope it doesn't start doing this regularly_' As mysteriously as it had begun , '_the sky's _still _clear'_, the rains halted. '_Oh well',_ Nabiki thought to herself, '_back to daydreaming. Just a calm, relaxing, perfectly normal, Sunday afternoon._" Yeah, Nabiki. You wish.

Nabiki daydreamed of many things. In some of her day dreams she met a beautiful young man who would sweep her off her feet and take her off to a magical land where birds talked and fish flew and there were unicorns… but mostly Nabiki dreamed of building a personal empire. Nabiki knew that time was money and money was power which was also knowledge, but that didn't mean that Nabiki didn't know how to have a _good _time, and right now having a good time meant lazing around daydreaming. Like right now she was daydreaming that there was a giant panda holding a big wooden sign that said, "Excuse me, is this Tendo dojo?"

Daydream Nabiki nodded and then the day dream panda produced a daydream sign that said, "Is Soun in?", and daydream Nabiki nodded, since her dad was in. So when the daydream panda signed "Could I see him, please?", daydream Nabiki nodded again and started to get up when this _weird _daydream redhead girl came out of _nowhere _and attacked the daydream panda and both went _flying _through the dojo wall and a small chunk of daydream plaster hit daydream Nabiki in the forehead. Then Nabiki's day got a _whole lot worse _because she realized she hadn't been daydreaming at all.

Meanwhile, in the dining room Soun sat reading the newspaper while his eldest daughter, Kasumi was busily wiping clean the table. Upon hearing a louder than usual commotion in the dojo, both looked up from the respective activities and noted that there was giant panda holding a sign that said "Hi Soun! Long time no see." Fighting with a pig-tailed redhead and both were causing a truly remarkable amount of property damage to said dojo.

"Are those friends of yours, father?", inquired Kasumi demurely.

"No", Soun replied, nervously scratching at his neck, "I don't believe I've ever seen them before."

"Oh", replied Kasumi and she returned to her cleaning. Soun returned to his news paper. Ranko continued attacking her father, who was now trying to incorporate his sign in to his blocking technique with only marginal success.

Right now, if you're an Akane fan, you're probably wondering what she's doing right now. If you're not an Akane fan than maybe you're a Nabiki fan and you want to get back to what she's doing, or maybe you're an Ukyo fan so you want me to hurry up and introduce her. But then you're going to be sadly disappointed because we're going to talk about Akane anyway.

When the crazed redhead and panda had come crashing through the dojo wall, Akane had been busily breaking breaks to relieve some frustration at being the sole object of affection for the entire male half of her high school's student body. And having them be rather _violent_ in their expressions of affection. And not really caring much for boys anyway. And _always_ running out of bricks before she stopped being angry. It was kind of funny how that worked. Self-defeating, she realized, but what could she do? She didn't have any other _healthy _way to express her anger. Sure she could drag some boy around with her 24 hours a day just so she could mallet him when she was frustrated, but _they_ would probably be a stupid perverted jerk that would only make here even _more _upset, so it couldn't _possibly_ be worth the bother.

But that's a digression, what Akane was _doing _when the redhead and panda came through the wall was really only nominally interesting because Akane completely lost all focus when these two mighty… forces abruptly barged into her life. Akane was not someone who was particularly in touch with herself. She had InseCurities with a capital "I" and a capital "C" thrown in for good measure. She also didn't have a particularly good grasp of what she was _good _at and what she was _bad _at. But Akane was vaguely certain that she was _good_ at martial arts. I mean, she beat that mob of jerks at school day after day, right? And she beat Kuno day after day, too.

But Akane, with her limited skills of self-evaluation, was _still _able to tell that this red-headed girl and panda were _way _better than her. Out of her league. '_I really hope that panda isn't a boy_', she thought to herself. '_But if it is, maybe that redheaded girl will protect me_'. '_Sure, Akane'_, the youngest Tendo's brain continued, her sarcasm center kicking in, '_just like all the girls at school 'protect you' by ostracizing you and calling you names_.'

Now while the Saotomes could probably have kept this up for hours, When Ranko punted Genma through a section of the dojo's wall that happened to contain a hot water pipe, triggering his re-version to human form, the youngest Tendo reached some critical level of absurdity which she just could not bear any longer, and so she screamed:

"STOP, RIGHT THERE!"

And the Saotomes froze, Ranko's fist still in Genma's face while Genma's leg was embedded in his daughter's, or should we say, son's stomach. Nabiki took this moment to enter the dojo through the new entrance that Ranko and Genma had thoughtlessly provided and join her sister in demanding an end to the absurdity.

"WHAT, THE HELL IS GOING ON?"

Soun and Kasumi decided that as much as they didn't really want anything to do with it, reality was rearing it's ugly little head and stomping on their toes with it's ugly little feet and screaming and generally demanding that they at least momentarily pay attention to it. So they dropped their newspapers and cleaning and walked into the dojo just in time to catch:

"I'm Ranko Saotome. Sorry about this."


	6. Rules of Engagement

**Both, Either, Neither**

Chapter 5: Rules of Engagement

The Tendo family had gathered around the dinner table. Soun was sobbing uncontrollably, Nabiki had glazed eyes, Kasumi was calmly returning to the kitchen to heat yet another kettle of water while Akane was still staring with a look mixed fascination and horror at two wet mammals who had just returned from the world's most interesting, and most tragic, set of Chinese hot springs

'And then when you splash us with cold water, we're back to the way you first saw us' read the sign that Genma currently held in his left claw.

"Did you really have to demonstrate?", screamed Ranko angered by her father umpteenth demonstration of the wonder that was Jusenkyo.

'Quiet you', signed the panda in response, 'at least I didn't throw you in the pond'

'I'll throw a pond in you!", retorted the irate redhead.

Before these threats could escalate into actual pond throwing, which might necessitate the me coming up with a way for Ranko to actually throw a pond _into _her father, Akane interrupted, "So now you take the form of some Chinese girl who drowned a millennium and a half ago?"

Ranko sighed, looking down at her lap, "I _wish_… this is probably how I would look if I really was a girl."

Akane's mounting confusion intensified, and her brow furrowed.

"Huh?"

Ranko sighed again, "Well I just found out that I'm a boy… sort of."

"Come again?"

At this point Kasumi returned with a pot of hot but slightly less scalding water than had been used for a previous demonstration, which Genma promptly used to 'humanize' himself.

"I guess I'll have to explain this", Genma reluctantly declared. "16 years ago, our first son was born my wife and I elected to have a certain medical procedure which has become common in the western countries performed on our son. Circumcision. It was, however, botched and when faced with a choice between razing a son with mutilated genitalia or having him undergo a cosmetic surgery and raising him as a daughter, my wife opted for the latter, renaming our boy _Ranma_, Ranko"

"But this _jerk _decided he still wanted a _boy_, so he took me away from my mother and won't let me see her, again!", screamed Ranko, her eyes blazing fires at her father.

"You never let me finish that story", protested Genma.

"What could you _possibly _say to defend yourself?", demanded Genma's 'son'.

"Well", Genma started, "I promised your mother that when we returned, if you weren't a 'women among women' that we would both do Seppuku"

"Wait", Ranko practically swore at Genma, "you're trying to convince me to go easy on you because not only have you stolen from me any sense of gender-security I may have had but you've also put my very _life_ in jeopardy?"

"It's not like I ever intended to bring you back!", protested Genma.

"BUT THAT WAS MY FIRST PIONT!", screamed Ranko grabbing her father by the collar and proceeded to shake him.

"Well it could be worse", Akane interjected.

"How could it _possibly_ be worse?" Ranko demanded, momentarily ceasing her abuse of her father.

"Well… you could've _really _been a boy", she answered.

"And _how _is that worse!" demanded the irate Redhead.

"Well, boys are perverts that I couldn't _possibly _allow to defeat me …", started Akane.

The assorted Tendos and Saotomes to took that opportunity to implant their faces into the ground. This is, by the way, a good place for you, the reader, to face-fault, as well.

"and besides, this way you avoided getting cursed..", Akane continued, as the assorted company picked themselves off the floor.

"I still did you know", interrupted Ranko, releasing her father and waving her hands in the air.

"to change genders", Akane finished, glaring at the redhead across from her.

"That doesn't really make me feel better", pouted Ranko.

"Well…", Akane paused, trying to come up with something, "would it make you feel better if I said I'd be your friend?"

"Maybe…", replied Ranko.

"You know Saotome", Soun commented to his old friend, who had finally been released by his justifiably upset progeny, "if you had a son after all… It reminds of a certain promise we made back when…"

"Hmmm…", Genma though, "You know… somehow it didn't immediately occur to me but you're right, Tendo. Very right."

"The Schools shall be joined at last!", the pair cried in unison, clasping hands with tears streaming from their eyes.

"Hello, there dad", interrupted Nabiki, "what exactly are you two talking about?"

Soun stopped his sobbing and decided and explained:

"Nabika, Kasumi, Akane, when Genma and I were younger we both studied under the same master and endured great hardships together. When we last parted company we swore that someday, that two of our children should marry so that the schools might be combined. As both Genma and I had only daughters, it seemed that this promise was fated to be forever unfulfilled, but now a path has finally emered; Ranko you have already met my three daughters Kasumi, aged 18, Nabiki, aged 17, and Akane, aged 16, you may choose which ever you see fit as you fiancé."

Kasumi and Nabiki quickly glanced at each other and then, in unison exclaimed, "Oh, she, he, whatever_ chooses her!",_ pointing toward their younger sister.

"Very well then", Soun nodded, "it's settled: Akane and Ranko are engaged and will inherit the dojo. Saotome, I never thought this day would come"

Soun and Genma embraced and both broke out agian in tears of joy.

Ranko and Akane simply blinked at each other, Akane opened her mouth but closed it when Ranko appeared to be about to speak, Ranko then closed her mouth and Akane started to speak again, but stopped. Finally both spoke together:

"this is _not_ happening".


	7. Some chapters are well named

**Both, Either, Neither**

Chapter 6: I'm Very Sorry But Some Chapters Are Well Named And Some Ain't

After the announcement of the engament we find Ranko, still in 'chan' form, lying face-up on the dojo's wooden floor, staring blankly at the ceiling with Akane collapsed at her side. Akane had been breaking bricks to releave frustration, but remember how that's self-defeating? Well, Akane defeated herself again.

"I can't believe that my own _father _would engage me to a girl", she quipped at nobody in particular.

"And _I _can't believe that I went to China and all I got was this stupid curse.", Ranko attempted to one up her companion.

Akane turned toward the red-head beside her, a little bit peeved. "And you're not the least bit surprised that your dad engaged _you_ to a girl?"

"Well it happened."

Akane's eyebrows went up, " You mean your dad _already _engaged you to a girl?"

"Yeah… she was some sort of _martial arts _delivery girl or something… but I beat her in a contest and she gave up on the engagement.", answered Ranko, not bothering to lift herself off the floor, "Seems dad got kind a hungry and traded me for some fish… and anyway." continued Ranko, "this whole, engaging me to girls goes pretty well with my fathers attempt to systematically destroy an feminine tendencies I might have."

"So you really _do _think you're a boy?", asked Akane, praying, "_please say no, please say no… I don't think I can clobber this one_."

"Well, I guess not…", Ranko answered, "Actually me finding out that pops _doesn't _want me to be girl kind of makes me _want _to be girl… But at the same time… I don't know, I guess I don't really care so much about girly stuff… I don't wanna wear dresses, don't wanna wear make up, don't wanna date a boy…"

"There's more to being a girl that just _that_"Akane pointed out.

"Really?", Ranko sat up, genuinely surprised.

"You can't _not_ know that..", Akane sat up and stared at her new friend, "can you?"

"Well…", Ranko replied, "whenever pops would get mad at me for not wanting to do something he'd make a quip of something like, 'I suppose you want to be a pretty little girl and where dress and look all fancy for your boyfriend then'…"

"So you don't want to be a 'pretty little girl'?"

"I could care less what I look like!", exclaimed Ranko, "Appearances aren't important, it's what you can _do _that counts!"

"I think you look prettier than me…", Akane commented to herself more than Ranko. She's insecure, remember?

Now while it kind of went against the grain of what she'd just been saying Ranko somehow managed to realize that, in her own way, Akane _did_ want to be pretty lady. A very pretty lady. Even prettier than Brendon Smalls in drag. I guess that's not saying much And anyway, Ranko was lying. She may have had her own standards as to what fashion meant, but Ranko new damn well that she looked good in her over-sized boy's Chinese clothes and she wasn't gonna trade that in for someone else's standard of beauty. But anyway, despite the fact that your author has no ability to focus on where this story is going anymore, we're still gonna get to the part where Ranko comforts Akane:

"No way, you are _way_ prettier than me."

Which caused Akane to burst out in a fit of giggles which Ranko joined in.

"So…what's life been like with your dad?", asked Akane when her laughter died out.

"Oh, you know", Ranko replied, "The open road, running out on bills, crazy training… that sort of thing."

"So I guess you never really had anytime to make friends?", asked Akane, starting to feel more sympathy for the girl beside her.

"Well I did make real friend _once_, but that was a long, long time ago.", answered Ranko.

"What was her name?" Akane probed further.

"Well _she_ was a _he_, and _his_ name was Uchan.", answered Ranko, her eyes moving off into the distance as she though back to a _long_ time ago, "His father owned an okonomiyaki cart, I swear his okonomiyaki were the best in world."

Ranko paused and then continued, "Anyway, I would fight Uchan every day and then his father would let me steal two okonomiyaki and me and Uchan would go off and eat them together."

"You and Uchan fought?"

"It wasn't real fighting", Ranko explained, returning her gaze to the girl beside her, "more like sparring. Uchan studied martial arts two, her family had a school of martial arts okinamiyaki-making I'd never heard of before or since. Uchan showed me a bit of it, but I don't really remember it anymore."

"So was he cute?", needling Ranko like her friends Yuka and Sayuri constantly needled _her_ about every new boy she met. Regardless of the fact that you don't always notice that much about someone trying to attack you in a mob.

"Maybe", answered the redhead, her face approaching her hair in hue.

"Oh and maybe, just maybe, someone had a crush on him", Akane continued, failing to suppress a small giggle.

"No _way_", responded Ranko, her face now attempting to outshine her brilliant red tresses.

A glance toward the bright red martial artist sent Akane off into full-blown laughter.

"So do you wanna fight _me?_" asked Akane.

"I don't know", Ranko replied, "not right now, if you don't mind."

"Yeah", Akane replied, "I know you'd beat me anyway"

"Yep", Ranko answered smugly, "I'm the best"

"You don't have to be stuck-up about it", Akane chided..

"Hey", Ranko stuck her tongue out at her new-found friend, "if you've got it flaunt it."

"Oh you've got it all right", Akane insinuated, referencing Ranko's voluptuous body.

"It's only the curse, Akane, I'll never look this good in my real form", replied Ranko. "I'm not a _real _girl."

"That's not true, Ranko. Even if you aren't as well developed when you're in your other form, it's not like you're any less of a girl than me." Akane, replied, trying her best to cheer up Ranko. "And you're _definitely _not a boy".

"I don't know _what_ I am." Ranko said, her voice raising in pitch as it filled with emotion. "I'm just a freak, I'd have to take hormone supplements just to grow breasts. I don't have the right glands to be male _or _female" Ranko smiled a forced smile for Akane, "Look Akane… let's just not talk about it right now"

"Ok, Ranko"

"What is it with you and boys anyway?", asked Ranko, who had by now noticed that a great many things in Akane's life seemed to revolve around boys in a rather negative fashion.

"Well, first off, all boys are _perverts_, and second off there's the whole thing where…", Akane trailed off, suddenly glancing over at Ranko. "Well I guess, you wouldn't know about that would you?"

But you would. Because you've read the manga, or watched the Anime, or just read better fanfiction than this until your eyes were sore. And if you _haven't _done any of those yet I can almost guarantee that you'd have more fun doing that than reading this, so get busy and come back when you're desperate for _anything _new.

The point is, I'm not gonna bore you with having Akane explain that "Blue Thunder" moment, we'll just re-join our main caste when their done with that.

…"Oh", replied Ranko, feeling kind of sorry for Akane, "well… I guess at least you get a good workout every morning.".

"Yeah, I guess there's always a silver lining", Akane agreed.

"No kidding, your built like an ox!", laughed Ranko.

"RANKO!", yelled Akane, (obviously our Saotome hier to the school of anything goes martial arts given _any_ gender, situation, or style of upbringing, will _still _be quite adept at setting Akane off )

"But you're still cute"

Kasumi took this moment to walk in to the dojo and address the two younger girl, "Excuse me, but if you two want to take a bath before dinner you ought to start now"


	8. The Bath Scene Angst free!

**Both, Either Neither**

Chapter 7: The Bath Scene… Now Angst-Free and Violent

Ranko rinsed herself off with cold water before settling into the furo to soak. Akane had gone to her room to get a change of clothes, so Ranko was, momentarily, alone in the bath. As she settled into the water her red hair darkened to black and her chest flattened, other subtle changes occurred, but the only other remarkable change was her growth in height by three or four inches. Not enough to make a huge difference, but just enough to make her slightly taller than Akane.

Akane walked into the inner furo, having stripped and set her towel and clothes on the rack by the sink. As she walked in Ranko glanced up at Akane her eyes glazing over, as she froze in place, like a deer caught in headlights.

"Uhh, Ranko… why are you staring at me like that?"

"Because… uh… you're …ah… really hot?", Ranko's answer sounded a lot more like a question.

"Are you some kind of pervert?"

"Um… Would you believe no?"

"Stand up"

"Why?"

"Just do it"

Ranko stood up.

"Yep, you're definitely a girl"

"What is it with people not believing me?"

"Oh, I just didn't really think _girls _could be _perverted _jerks… it's a new experience for me"

"Always glad to broaden someone's horizons…"

"You stay here, I'll be back in a minute"

"Okay"

Akane grabbed a towel, wrapped herself in said towel and exited the bathroom. Then she beguan screaming. Kasumi and Nabiki rush into the room.

"What wrong?", asked Kasumi calmly.

"THERE'S A PERVERT IN THE TUB!", screamed Akane.

"Really?", Nabiki calmly asked, "I thought Ranko was in there."

"She is!", Akane screamed slightly more calmly, "That's the problem!"

"Shouldn't you go help her or something?", Nabiki asked, "Use your mad-style martial arts skills, or you're crazy upper arm strength to take 'im down."

"NO!", Akane screamed, "RANKO'S _IS _THE PERVERT!"

"Huh?", Nabiki's brow furrowed.

"Why do you say that?", inquired Kasumi.

"She was _STARING _at me!", Akane yelled.

"Well…", Kasumi offered, "if she's spent her whole life with her father it's possible she hasn't seen very many other girl naked before, maybe she's just startled."

"She said I was _'HOT'_!", protested Akane.

"Oh", Kasumi looked thoughtful, "I guess she's a pervert then."

"You know", Ranko said, exiting the bathroom in a towel of her own, "I can hear _everything _you're saying about me."

"Stay away from me you _PERVERT_!", screamed Akane grabbing a table and rushing at Ranko. Luckily, Ranko ducked.

"Hey!", Ranko screamed, "I take it back! You're not hot at _ALL_!"

"That's supposed to make me _less_ angry at you!", growled Akane, winding up with the table again.

"Yeah!", Ranko screamed, "Besides… it's true! I've got a _WAY _better body than _YOU!_"

Akane got her with the table on her second try.

(somewhat later)

"Where am I?", asked Ranko as she sat up and opened her eyes. She appeared to by lieing on a bed. There was a poster over said bed and some sort of weird yellow duck duck by a bookshelf that was across from her. Kasumi was sitting at a desk to her left.

"I brought you up to Akane's room to recover after she knocked you out", Kasumi explained, "She's really a nice girl; she's just a violent maniac."

"Oh", Ranko rubbing at her aching head while Kasumi stood up and walked to the door.

"I'm going to go get her now", Kasumi stated as she left the room, "she wanted to apologize"

Ranko settled back onto Akane's bed momentarily. She didn't know what to think. Her new-found 'friend' had just knocked her out with a heavy blunt instrument. And the ache on the back of her skull didn't help her thought processes at all.

"Ranko?", asked Akane, coming into her own room, "are you awake again?"

"Yeah", answered black-haired martial artist, "No thanks to _you_."

"I'm sorry', apologized Akane, "I just let my temper get the best of me. You know how I deal with those stupid boys at school all day. I'm sure I just over-reacted."

"Oh, it's okay.", answered Ranko. It was just physically abuse, after all. Her father attacked her all the time, stole her food, threw into pits filled with starved cats. She could deal with a table to the head or two.

"No, it's not", Akane sat down next to Ranko and held her hand. "I'm really, _really _sorry."

"No, it's okay really", disagreed Ranko, "I shouldn't have stared at you like that."

"Why did you?", asked Akane, "I guess I don't care if it's because you… um… like me."

"You… don't?", Ranko puzzled. '_I've just got no clue with this girl anymore._'

Actually, I don't either. She wasn't this violent in my original version. She was extremely attracted to Ranko in that version. She might as well be in this version too. Maybe it just never occurred to her that love between two people of the same gender was viable until she met Ranko? Would you believe that? I hope so.

"Well", Akane stated, "I really _don't_ like boys at all. But girls are okay. I never really thought that girls could … you know, date or anything before. But now that it occurs to me, it actually seems like a real good idea."

"Uh… yeah.", Ranko scratched nervously at the back of her neck. This didn't seem like a good idea to _her_. Sure, Akane was cute. And she was even _nice_ in her own violent way. But Akane was a _fiancé_ and Ranko had learned, based off the one or two fiancé she run into before, and her experience with Shampoo in China, that a _fiancé _is not someone you wanted to have around close to you. Friends were great. Especially friends like Uchan who were cute and could cook. Friend like that back-stabbing bastard Ryoga weren't_ really _friends. But they weren't fiancés either. Akane had said she was going to be Ranko's friend, but Ranko was starting to get suspicious. Akane was acting an awful lot like a _fiancé._

"So you really think I'm cute?", inquired Akane.

"Yep", responded Ranko. _'definitely a fiancé_.'


	9. With fiances like these

**Both, Either Neither**

Chapter 8: With _fiancés _like these who needs enemies?

"Hurry up Ranko!", shouted Akane as she rushed down the street, "we're gonna be late!"

"I still don't see why I haveta go to school", mumbled Ranko to herself, "Pop's never seemed to care if skipped before."

"What's that, Ranko?", Akane shouted over her shoulder.

"Nothing!", Ranko responded from the fence.

"And why aren't you wearing your uniform?", Akane demanded.

"I _am_!", Ranko retorted, "_People's Liberation Army _surplus."

"Your, _school _uniform dummy", Akane countered.

"I'm not wearing a_ dress_!", Ranko protested.

"Everybody else does!", Akane angrily returned.

"The boys don't, I'll betcha", Ranko pointed out. "Eep!"

Ranko narrowly avoided being splashed by an old lady with ladle.

"Excuse me miss", Akane asked the short old lady, "can I borrow that for a second."

Ranko looked at her _fiancé_ with some degree of puzzlement. Akane took a ladle-ful of water, hefted in Ranko's general direction, and returned the ladle to the old women after Ranko's chest expanded and her hair switched colors.

"What'd you do that for?", demanded Ranko.

"Well I don't want anyone thinking I'm hanging out with a _boy_", explained Akane.

"You are _such _a _fiancé_", Ranko sighed.

"What's that mean?", demanded Akane.

"I don't know", Ranko responded, "look… do you want me to help you fight off those boys at school?"

"Nah", Akane answered, "I think I can take 'em myself."

"Whatever you say", Ranko conceded.

"Speaking of which", Akane commented as she and Ranko arrived at Furinken High School, "I HATE BOYS!"

And indeed she did. She particularly hated the kind that threw themselves at her screaming "I love you!" while swing at her with hockey sticks, bokenss, butterfly nets (the Furinkin High Entomologists Society had recently become enamored of Akane), and good old fashioned fists, arms, and legs. If Akane had to choose a favorite kind of boy it would have excited Hikaru Gosunkugi incredibly that he _was _just her type. Hikaru was too scrawny to pose a serious challenge to Akane, and too shy to actually talk to her. So, despite how infatuated with her he might be, Hikaru effectively had _nothing whatsoever to do with Akane_. That was Akane's favorite type of boy.

Ranko looked on as Akane bashed amorous suitor after amorous suitor. It looked like just about the entire male student body was present and rushing her harried friend. Ranko looked off to the side, thinking to herself, '_there's got to be _some_ boys not stupid enough to be in this mob_'. In a sense Ranko was right, and in a sense she was wrong. Ranko was right in the sense that there were exactly two boys at Furinkan high school who were not in the huge mob attacking Akane. And she was wrong because she had chosen to phrase her statement in the plural; one of the two boys was Kuno.

Do you really want to read the "Blue Thunder" speech again? Do you really think Ranko would act significantly different from Ranma? Do you think I actually want to take the time to find reference material? (This is _not _trivial, I only have access to Season 4 of the Anime for reasons that I'm not gonna bore you with. Looking this shit up will take me _months_) I really hope not, because if you do, you're headed for a major disappointment.

…And if you _ever _touch me again I'll kick you so hard you and your 'pig-tailed goddess' _never_ 'consumate their love.'", Ranko screamed. Adding for good measure, "loser", as she walked by.

Whoa! My unfortunate readers, it appears we've _skipped part of the plot_. How'd that happen? It looks like we're not gonna hear Kuno be a pompous ass after all. It looks like he challenged the tomboy-ish Ranko, who he's clearly become enamored of, and got his ass kicked. Who'da thunk _that _woulda happened? And now folks, watch me pull fanfiction out of my hat. (_'again!')_

"Come _on _Ranko!", yelled Akane, grabbing Ranko's wrist, "We're _late!_"

-(scene break)-

"Hello, students!"

"Hello, teacher!"

"I want you all to meet your new classmate Ranma Saotome.", the teacher glanced at Ranko and then ran into some difficulties, " He… er… you're Ranma Saotome right?"

"It's _Ranko_ actually", Ranko pointed out, "but that's me, yep."

"It says here you're a boy", the teacher said, scowly at his new attendance sheet.

"So?", asked Ranko, unperturbed.

"You don't look like a boy", the teacher elaborated.

"That's true", agreed Ranko, nodding her head in ascent.

"Well, um…", the teacher fumbled, "I'm sure we'll get this sorted out eventually, for now just go sit next to Akane."

"Okay, teacher", Ranko responded, getting ready to sit down.

"Actually, wait a minute", the teacher halted the redhead, "I didn't finish the formal introduction"

"Okay"

"Class, this is Ranko Saotome, whose just returned from a long trip to China. So let's all give her a warm 'Ni How!'"

"So now I can go sit next to Akane?", inquired Ranko.

"Yes", responded the Teacher, "No!"

"Huh?", Ranko was confused.

"You and miss Tendo were 6 minutes late to class! Go stand in the hall!"

"Oh… okay.", answered Ranko.

(later in the hall)

"Ranko, you _jerk_ now I've got stand with these stupid buckets", growled Akane.

"Excuse me Akane, but I don't see how holding these things is supposed to teach me stuff", Ranko questioned her friend indirectly.

"Uh… Ranko", Akane puzzled at her friend, "you really haven't been in school much, have you?"

"Nope!", answered the red head enthusiastically.

"Well, you see", Akane explained, "the idea of this is to deny us the opportunity

to learn for disciplinary reasons. And also to humiliate us."

"Oh", Ranko responded, "I suddenly feel less than enthusiastic about this."

"Idiot", mumbled Akane.

"Hey!", Ranko protested, "It's not my fault Kuno challenged me!"

"Well you could have _ignored _him!", Akane responded.

Speaking of Kuno, someone appeared to be charging down the hall with a big long stick of wood screaming. "Foul sorcerer Ranko Saotome, I cannot allow this travesty of an engagement!"

"I thought I knocked you unconscious!", Ranko swore, dropping her buckets and turning to face the upperclassman bearing down on her.

"I can't let you lead the fair Akane Tendo down the road to darkness!", Kuno continued, facing off against Ranko.

"What 'road to darkness'?", Ranko puzzled, "I thought you _liked _me"

"True, I am bedazzled by you're beauty and charm, but", Kuno stipulated, "I _cannot_ allow you to turn my dearest Akane into a _lesbian_."

Gasps and "Oh my!", "Akane and the new girl are…", and assorted other gossipy things started flying around crazily.

Akane had mixed emotions. On one hand, she didn't like the idea of being thought of as a lesbian by the vast majority of her peers. '_On the other hand_', she mused, '_This might be a chance for me to stop those stupid morning fights once and for all_'.

"Oh, Kuno!", Akane spread her arms melodramatically, "Alas you are too late, I've already succumbed to Ranko's alluring charms and can no longer bear the thought of coupling with a man ever again!"

"_What the hell are you talking about!"_, demanded Ranko. Ranko was confused. Mainly because she had no idea what a 'lesbian' was. Maybe it had something to do with being engaged, in which case:

"It's just our _parent's_ stupid idea!", she protested.

That led the local gossip-mongers to some headscratching.

Akane glared at her friend, who was not helping with her big plan to get the boys of her school to finally _leave her alone_. "Shut-up Ranko!", she hissed, "this is my big chance!"

"I'm _not _marrying you!", Ranko hissed back in protest. This was getting _way _to weird for her tastes.

"Just kiss me, you idiot!", Akane whispered in return.

"I'm not!", Ranko was interrupted by Akane grabbing her and kissing her forcefully on the lips, "mphh! What the hell!"

"Saotome, I shall smite thee!", raged Kuno, "Akane's first kiss was to be mine!"

Kuno charged, only to find a large spatula in the path of his oh-so-thick skull. He fell to the ground as a handsome brown haired boy with bangs stepped forward. "Sorry, Kuno", the boy apologized, "but I'm afraid this one's _mine_."


	10. Thank god for Okonomiyaki and spellcheck

**Both, Either, Neither**

Chapter 9: Thank God I added 'Okonomiyaki' to my Spell-Checker

"Ranko Saotome?", asked the brown haired boy holding a huge spatula.

"Er… yes?", responded Ranko.

"What do _you_ want?", asked Akane indignantly. This whole 'kissing Ranko' thing was supposed to get the boys to _leave her alone_.

"Son of Genma Saotome?", the spatula-boy further inquired.

"Sort … of", responded Ranko. 'How the hell does everyone seem to knoq about that… thing where I'm sort of not a girl…"

"You and me are going to go have a little talk", stated spatula boy, grabbing Ranko by the shirt.

"Hey!", screamed Ranko, as the boy jumped out the window, carrying her with him.

"This is the third story!", someone screamed. Akane ran to the window, only to see Ranko and Ukyo headed for the Furinkan High School Swimming pool.

Splash!

Did you know, for plot purpose, exactly once a year the Furinkan high school swimming pool is filled with scalding hot water? The school looked on puzzled as Ukyo Kounji and some pigtailed boy wearing clothes _a lot _like Ranko's surface from the pool, and watched Ukyo (who hadn't noticed Ranko's change yet) out of the water and then out of view behind the swim-equipment storage shed.

"Oh my", "Who's that new guy?", and "Do you think Ukyo's gay? He _never_ attacked Akane…" could be heard from various class people. Akane for her part was already rushing down the stares in hopes of getting some answers. '_What the hell does that stupid _boy _think he's doing, running off with my fiancé like that?_'

(meanwhile, behind a shed)

"What… the", Ukyo (formerly referred to as 'spatula-boy') noticed that the person she was dragging with her(to simplify my pronoun usage, for this passage I will use 'her' for both Ukyo and Ranko despite their perceptions of each others' genders as both being male) was taller, didn't look like he had breasts, and had different colored, albeit similarly styled, hair. Actually, all things considered _this_, looked liked the Ranko she remembered, not that weird red-haired girly-looking boy. '_Still_', thought Ukyo to herself, _'when did I lose that weirdo?_'

"Uh…", Ranko started to explain, "Chinese curse!"

"Where!", Ukyo looked behind her.

"No," Ranko explained, "that's why I look different; it's a Chinese curse."

"Oh", Ukyo remarked. "Anyway, I'm supposed to kill you."

"In that case", Ranko idly commented, "maybe I should be leaving."

"No", Ukyo stated, "it's okay, I don't really want to."

"Hey you look kinda fimiliar", Ranko carefully studied the boys face, "do I know you from somewhere?"

"Maybe", Ukyo replied non-committaly, "but that really wouldn't matter, now"

Ranko sniffed at her childhood friend. "Hey! You smell just like Uchan's okonomiyaki!"

"You're Uchan, aren't you!", Ranko exclaimed, quite excited.

"So you remember me, huh?", Ukyo commented.

"Of course I remember you!", Ranko bear-hugged her old friend, "you were my best friend!"

"Hey!", Ukyo pried the pig-tailed, as she saw it, boy off of her.

"If you are so glad to see me _now _why the hell'd you leave me back _then_?" demanded Ukyo.

"Because pop said we had to go! I didn't want to!" protested Ranko.

"You were supposed to take me _with_ JACKASS!", Ukyo swore.

"But… why?", Ranko puzzled.

"Ranko…", Ukyo growled, "what do you remember about you and your dad leaving?"

"Hmm…", thought Ranko.

Here we make use of the flashback and also basically recycle what happened in the Anime. I have absolutely no excuse for doing this except that I both like and remember this scene fairly well.

A super-deformed Ukyo is running screaming "wait, wait! Ranchan! "

"Try harder", commented contemporary Ukyo

A super-deformed Ukyo is running screaming "wait, wait! Ranchan! " as a super-deformed Ranma and normal Genma roll away on an Okonomiyaki yattai.

"Hey", commented contemporary Ranko, "why's my dad got you're cart?"

"Because", Ukyo screamed, "IT WAS MY DOWRY, YOU JACKASS!"

"Why would my dad take your dowry?", Ranko suddenly figured it out, "uh oh…"

"Because", Ukyo screamed, spatula poised to strike, "WE WERE ENGAGED YOU STUPID JACKASS!"

"Hey!", Ranko attempted to calm her friend, "he didn't tell me! I didn't know!"

"You", Ukyo halted, "didn't?"

"Nope", Ranko shook her head. "He just said we'd been staying in one place too long, had to keep moving, couldn't have me turning into a weak little girl."

"Hey!", Ukyo folded her arms across her chest, "girls aren't weak!"

"Yeah, I know", Ranko agreed, "I mean I _am _one."

"Wait", it was Ukyo's turn to look puzzled, "_you're _a girl?"

"100 ", contributed Akane.

"Heh… heh", a huge sweat-drop formed on Ukyo head, "how long have you been there?"

"Long enough to tell you to _stop molesting my fiancé!_" screamed Akane, swing her bookbag at Ukyo.

"What are you talking about?", demanded Ukyo, dodging, "Ranko's _my _fiancé!"

"No she's _mine!_", Akane grabbed Ranko possessively.

"Hey!", Ranko protested, "I like to think I'm _mine!_"

"And since when's Ranko a _girl_?", demanded Ukyo, further.

"Since _ever!_", shouted Akane, still glomped onto Ranko.

"Almost!", contributed Ranko, adding to the confusion.

"But I can't marry a _girl_!", protested Ukyo.

"Well then _don't_!", Akane shouted.

"Why not?", inquired Ranko, curiously.

"Because _I'm _a girl you jackasses!", Ukyo protested vehemently.

"Since when?", Ranko demanded, stunned.

"Since _ever!_", shouted Ukyo, with remarkable symmetry.

"But I thought you were a _boy!_", protested Ranko.

"Well I had to be after you _left!_", Ukyo retorted.

"What d'ya mean?", sputtered Ranko.

"You ran off with my dowry!", Ukyo screamed, "I could never live down the shame! My father made me dress as a boy and swear I'd hunt you down and kill you! I'll _never _marry, _never_ carry on the family, I'll I've got _left _is my art!"

"And you're _damned_ lucky that that's good enough for me!", Ukyo finished.

"I'm sorry!", Ranko almost-but-not-quite cried, grabbing her friend in a hug, "I'll do _anything_ to make it up!"

"Hey!", Akane pouted, "you're _my _fiancé too!"

"Oh! And I suppose Genma Saotome ran off with _your _dowry and your dad made _you_ give up your femininity and swear revenge on the only real friend you ever had!", Ukyo retorted.

"Well..", Akane looked down at her foot and kicked at a stray rock, "no."

"It's okay", Ukyo pushed Ranko, who let go willing this time, away from her, "I don't _want_ a _fiancé _anyway."

"But we're still friends", Ranko quickly questioned, "right?"

"Well…", Ukyo considered, "fine, but you better hope my dad doesn't find out."


	11. The Absurdity Resumes!

Chapter 10: The Absurdity Resumes!

It was dinner time. A time for the joining together of a family after a long day of work and toil and

relative peace. Well it would have been if Ranko and Genma didn't eat like feuding vacuum cleaners.

Kasumi figured that if she interrupted there self-engorgement then perhaps they would slow down and a more reserved, polite atmosphere would settle.

"So how was your day Ranko", she asked.

"fitt fwas frilly fannoying frat firft", Ranko expectorated, literally, rice flying from her mouth as she spoke, "fut firned fout foot fin fee fend".

Kasumi was somewhat disturbed. Ranko had stopped eating to breath mid-sentence, resumed shoveling rice into her mouth and _then _finished replying. She adopted a look of mild reproachfulness, Ranko, staring intently at her dinner ignored her. Kasumi decided, that all things considered, she might

as well just fade into the background as she was wont to do. Things were fun in the background, she commonly met and spoke with the musicians who played the theme and background music for the show. They were fun people, during long breaks between musical numbers sometimes they would dash out for a cup of coffee or a sandwich. Yes indeed,, and it was certainly better than say, getting malletted repeatedly over the head or... turning into a small black piglet. Indeed. Don't ever let them tell you that minor characters don't know how to have a good time.

But meanwhile, in the foreground of our melodrama, our lead characters had abruptly run out of dinner.

A temporarily human Genma (seriously, it seemed like he _liked_ staying in Panda-form) decided to be pick up where Kasumi left off.

"So m'boy", he started, "how'd school go?"

"You know", Ranko commented, "I met someone interesting at school today."

"Really?" _'It better not be a boy, or else the schools will _never_ be joined_, "what was... he like?"

"Funny you should say _he_", commented Ranko, _"he _was quite nice... you know I'd met ..._ him _ a long time ago, but _he _was a _she _at the time"

_'My god'_, Genma wondered, _'exactly how common _are _Jusenkyo curses?'_

"You see some _jerk_ had engaged her to his", Ranko made quotation marks with her fingers,

"'son' and then sort of ran off with her dowry and she forsook her girlhood and started dressing

as a boy and training to take ... _his_ revenge".

"That sounds _horrible_", Genma replied, '_I sure hope none of the guys and gals I engaged Ranko to catch up with _me'.

"Isn't it?", Ranko smiled sweetly, "anyways I was wondering if maybe I could invite her over sometime, "I thought maybe if she talked to you it might make her feel better"

"Really, I don't think I could be that big of a help", Genma protested.

"Oh, _please", _pleaded Ranko, _"_I just _know _it will make her feel better"

"Well okay", Genma agreed, "if you're sure about this".

"Oh, I'm _sure _about it", Ranko assured her father.

-(Scene Break)-

Ryoga was by now fairly sure that this was _not _the M74 _nor _the A82. In fact, it appeared he was no-longer on an expressway at all. Which was perhaps for the best since running on an expressway is not only a dangerous activity, it is actually illegal. Instead it appeared he was running along some sort of wood-planked path flanked by two steel rails. _'ah yes ... a 'railroad''_.

Trip!

'_With an orange-haired lady in a blue dress tied to it, very strange'_

"What are you doing!", exclaimed a black suited, black hatted, black mustached man, "you're not Dudley Do-right"

"Indeed I'm not, Ryoga Hibiki, nice to meet you"

"Ah", the man stroked his mustache before offering his hand, "Snidely Wiplash, arch-villian and general miscreant"

"Mwff", exclaimed a the orange haired lady through a hankerchief.

"And this young lady here is Nell Fenwick"

"Isn't it dangerous to be tied to the tracks like that?"

"No... Dudley Do-Rigth will show up eventually, and his horse should save the day"

"Okay then... I suppose I'll be on my way, you wouldn't happen to know which way China is?"

"I would say it's in that general direction", Snidely gestured west.

"Thank you!", Ryoga replied, running to the northsouth. a non-existent direction only a Hibiki is capable of traveling. As the scene slowly fades from view one can here Ryoga yelling in the distance, "Ranma Saotome, because of you I"ve seen Nell!!!"

-(Scene Break)-

Meanwhile back in Nerima another day of school is beginning for one Ranko Saotome and Akane Tendo. In fact it may even have been beginning for another Akane Tendo or Ranko Saotome, but seeing as how this story really focuses on the actions of a particular Ranko Saotome and Akane Tendo I'm not really going to worry about the other ones.

Ranko and Akane were running to school, late as ussual, Akane in her school uniform and Ranko in her Chinese shirt and pants. Ranko was in her cursed form thanks to Akane and a bucket of water. (She had actually bathed after sparring with her father, but Akane had, _again_, taken exception to her going to school in her 'natural' form) But she was, at least, not in a school uniform thanks to her extremely stubborn and obstinate nature... which was the main reason they were late.

"Can't you just wear the school uniform like everyone else?", Akane revived the morning's argument.

"Well I_ could",_ Ranko answered, "I just don't _want _to"

"But you'd look so much _nicer _in a skirt and blouse", insisted Akane, "and you're going to in trouble for it eventually"

"I'm gonna get in trouble for_ something_", answered Ranko, "it might as well be something stupid." She continued, "Besides, I don't _want_ to look nice, I _want _to have clothes I can fight in without worring about people seeing my underwear in!"

'_I guess she has a point'_, Akane thought, _'anyway, it's not really worth arguing about anymore. I wonder if the boys have given up yet.'_

Akane found her answer as she and Ranko arrived outside Furinkan High to an audience of truly epic proportions.

"Hey!!!", Akane screamed, "I hate boys! I like girls! What do I have to do to prove it!"

In a unified chorus that one would almost suspect was orchestrated the crowd of boys from Furinkan and neighboring high schools shouted, "Kiss Ranko again!" Tomorrow they would try for something a bit edgier but for today seeing the, by general consensus, hottest two girls within a hundred mile radius kissing in public was more than enough to justify a cross-town detour to witness. Except for one stubborn, wooden-sword wielding ..._ bastard_, who just had to spoil everyone's fun.

"No, I can't allow it!", screamed Tatewaka Kuno, the rising star of Furinkin high.

And after the ensuing riot as a horde of hormone saturated teenage boys who'd been hoping to witness some hot girl on girl action turned on the traitor in their mist, Kuno found himself rising high through the Stratosphere indeed.

The rest of the morning passed with less event. Ranko and Akane got a pass on bucket holding since, in fact, the entire class had been delayed be the immense pilgrimage of horny teenaged boys which had gathered outside their school. Ranko caught up on her sleep while Akane caught up on her schoolwork. At lunch, Ranko insisted on going over to talk to Ukyo, so Akane decided she'd talk to her loyal (and in this Ranmaverse _only_) friends Yuka and Sayura.

Which was surprisingly awkward. You see, most people never really doubt their sexuality or gender. They just don't have to think about it, it's very cut and dried, you're a girl, you don't really imagine what it would be like to be a guy, you may think about what kind of guy you want to date but it's implicit that you include 'one that's not a girl' in the desired characteristics for him. But when a long-standing friend of yours who've you've never had any reason to suspect of being gay (besides the fact that she's beat the crap out of any male student who's ever tried to touch her, and her repeated insistence that she hates boys), starts kissing her female _fiance_ on the lips, well, things are a bit awkward afterwards.

"So...", Yuka started, "how's being engaged"

"It's like a nightmare", Akane answered.

"So you don't ... like her?", Sayura asked.

"Well, it's not that", Akane replied, "it's more like... everything's just gotten ten times crazier since Ranko's been around"

"Yeah", Yuka agreed, "you can say that again"

"And what the hell was going on this morning!", Akane indignantly exclaimed, "the whole point of me kissing Ranko was to show all those boys I'm _not _interested in them and I'm _not _going to be!"

Sayura and Yuka sighed in unison, sometimes Akane was just so ... _niave_.

"Akane", Yuka started, "I'm going to explain something about the effect of homosexual displays on heterosexuals of the opposite gender..."

-(switch to Ukyo and Ranko)-

"Hiya Uchan!", greeted Ranko.

"Hi Ran...chan", replied Ukyo.

"Hey, Uchan, I think you should come over to the Tendo's after school"

"And why would I want to do that?", inquired Ukyo.

"Oh...", Ranko drew out the syllable, "I just thought you might want to greet an old 'friend' of your's".

"Your dad?"

"Yeah", Ranko confirmed, "I thought maybe beating the snot out of him would cheer you up... it works for me!"

"Heh", Ukyo replied, "I guess so..."

"I'm _really _sorry Uchan", pleaded Ranko, "I just didn't _know_, I'll do anything to make it up to you!"

"Anything?"

"Anything!"

"So you'd... eat a bug?"

"If it would help"

"How 'bout worms?"

"I've had worse" (but not yet having sampled Akane's cooking Ranko was not yet aware of just how much worse she would eat)

"Date Kuno"

"I will do anything to make up for pop's stealing your Yattai _except _date Kuno"

"heh, heh, heh. gotcha", Ukyo poked Ranko playfully in the nose. "I guess I could use some help around my restaurant"

"You've got a restaurant!", exclaimed Ranko, "Cool!"

"Ain't it?", agreed Ukyo, "I could use someone to wait tables, do dishes, just generally make my life a bit easier"

"I'd love to help!"

"But I just can't afford to pay someone"

"oh..."

"You could keep the tips though"

"Well, I'll do it anyway"

-(later that night)-

"Hi pops!"

"Hi son!"

"I brought my friend by to meet you, the one who had some jerk run off with her dowry"

"I'm very sorry to hear that", Genma consoled Ukyo.

"Her name is Ukyo Kounji", Ranko continued.

'_Uh oh'_

"GENMA SAOTOME YOU JACKASS!"


	12. CAUCS: How does Ranko feel?

Chapter 11

The Conversations at Uchan's Series Presents:

How does Ranko feels about the past two days

After Ukyo beat the tar out of Genma, Ranko accompanied Ukyo back to her restaurant where she

intended to put the spry, currently black-haired girl to work waiting tables, do dishes, and in general working off the accumulated interest of a debt of one okonomiyaki yattai and ten years of living as a boy. She figured the trouncing she'd just given Genma probably covered the original theft. There really wasn't much 'training' involved, seeing as how Ranko was notcontrary to common perception, an idiot although an idiot would be certainly have been capable of doing her job. Perhaps not well, but in a stumbling sort of incompetent way, which anyone working for a sufficiently large bureaucracy is thoroughly accustomed too.

But I digress, _Ranko_ was _not _an idiot, and this non-idiot was currently nodding and taking orders from three salary-man looking types in business suits who were, at the moment the only costumers at Uchan's.

"Hey Uchan", she spoke as she joined Ukyo behind the grill, "2 house specials, 2 shrimp okonomayaki, and another two house specials"

Ukyo took the batter out and poured 6 circular splotches of white onto her grill, she jerked her head toward the 'clean plates' rack, "grab me 3 plates, will you?" she asked.

Ranko removed three plates and set them to the side of Ukyo's grill, "so how do you juggle goin' to school and running a restaurant by yourself?", she asked.

"With difficulty", replied Ukyo, "well actually, it's not that bad. I don't open for breakfast or lunch, I just open at 4:00 and try to catch the after-work and dinner crowds. Now that you're here maybe I can do deliveries as well. It's too bad there's no way for me to skip out and open for lunch, because I would really clean up then... as it is I'm running pretty close to the margin."

"Why would you run on paper?"

"It's an expression... it means that I'm spending almost exactly what I make"

"Oh... you mean there are people who don't do that?"

It struck Ukyo that Ranko, having spent her entire life with Genma, a man who had held onto her dowry for, to the best of Ranko's memory, a woppng 2-3 days, had probably spent her entire life '_at _the margin'.

"No, most people try to save up some money"

"Really... weird"

Ukyo took a moment to flip the Okonomiyaki.

"So how'd you end up engaged to Akane... does her dad have a Yattai lyin' around somewhere?"

"Na... he's got a Dojo", answered Ranko.

"No kidding", snorted Ukyo, "he's movin' up in the world"

Ukyo collected the six okonomiyaki off the grill and deposited them on the three plates, she spooned suace over them into her generic, 'thanks for eating at Uchans!' message, and Ranko carted them off to her customers, one in each hand, the third balanced skillfully on her head.

"It was some sort of promise from before I was born", Ranko explained after serving the customers their okonomiyaki, "I guess they trained under the same master, came up with some nonsense about 'uniting the schools or whatever".

"But Akane... knows you're a girl"

"Yeah, and apparently she's really glad about it"

"I've noticed... but her _dad's_ got no problem with that either?"

"Well I guess it's kinda complicated", Ranko hesitated a moment awkwardly tapping her fingers together, "so apparently I wasn't born a girl..."

Ranko related what she'd gathered from her father before chasing him into Nerima.

"Wow", Ukyo said upon Ranko's conclusion, blinking, quite stunned, "wow"

"No shit"

"So how do you... feel about it?"

"I don't know", Ranko replied, "I guess some things make sense kow, like why pop's has always been yelling at me, keeping me from wearing make-up and dresses and stuff... and how he enrolled me in that boy's school once..."

"Boy's school?"

"I'll tell you that one later... I guess it makes sense though, a lot of it, because it's _hard_ to do martial arts in a dress... at least with any dignity. But he also kept buyin' me boxers instead of panties, and I don't have any bras..."

''_that's_ kinda weird"

"Well it's not like I could really use the bra _anyway_, I mean look at how spectacularly well-endowed I am."

"Wait a minute", Ukyo started, "you mean don't just bind your breasts?"

"Huh?"

"Take a big piece cloth, wrap it so tight it hurts, and compress your breasts to the point where they don't show?"

"Nope"

"Lucky bastard"

"Huh?"

"That's what I do"

"Oh..."

"So you were saying?"

"It's just that all the stuff that my dad did... like the boxers and leaving magazines with pictures of women & stuff in them around... now it makes sense, not only didn't he _want _me to be a girl, I really _wasn't_."

"Weird so you... really feel like you're a guy?"

"I don't know...", replied Ranko, "I mean... Akane's tryin' to get me to act more like a girl and stuff... and it's really _frickin'_ annoying but... I don't really know _anything_ about what it's like to actually _be _a guy and... it's not like pop's callin' me 'son' make's me feel a whole better, either"

Ukyo nodded.

"So what's it been like for you?"

"Huh?", it was Ukyo's turn to miss her conversational partner's meaning.

"What's it been like bein' a guy for 10 years?"

"Well...", Ukyo thought about how to answer the question, "lonely"

"Really?"

"Yeah... I mean I've had friends, a good number friends actually... but I've always got to keep something from them, you know? Only my family really knew I was... _me_, and everybody else knew this guy who wasn't really _me_ but ... a characeterI played ,24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year"

"Wow, no time off for good behavior"

"Actually I take a holiday on leap years, wear a skirt, visit a day spa, and giggle uncontrollably for hours on end, I'm good enough at the charade the rest of the time that if anyone I know recognizes me, they just figure they're undergoing a psychotic episode"

"Really?"

"Nope, I don't _own _any girls' clothes that fit people over age 7 and I couldn't afford to visit a day spa anyway."

"Oh... that sucks"

"It's not that bad... I spend most of my days doing what I love... practicing to be the best martial artist slash chef in the world"

"Huh... that doesn't really sound so bad", Ranko agreed, "I suppose that's what I do too"

Ranko had to take a moment to bring their customers the check, collect payment, and bring back a carryout-container. The three men left shortly afterwards.

"Hey Ranchan", Ukyo called, "flip the 'open' sign"

"Okay, do you want me to wipe the tables down one more time?"

"Just wipe down the one those guys were sitting at, you already cleaned the others well enough"

"Okay"

"Hey, do you want me to make you an okonomiyaki before I shut the grill down?"

"Yes!", Ranko exclaimed, "my pay-check"


	13. Soun and Genma have a bad idea

Chapter 12: Soun Tendo and Genma Saotome have a Bad Idea

After the first two days of utter chaos, Ranko achieved a relative stability in her life, she would be awakened by a bucket of water, fight her father (victory achieved by 'en-ponding' your opponent), go to school, face down a minor riot, perhaps knock Kuno unconscious, be rendered unconscious by the morning lesson, then stand in the hall until lunchtime. She would eat lunch with Ukyo or Akane, then return to class, return to sleep, and then return to the hall (and her friends Mr. and Ms. Water-bucket), then go help Ukyo till the end of her dinner rush, return home, fight her father again, then go to bed. In fact she achieved this remarkable state of humdrum, everyday, life for a wopping 3 days before anything significant happened.

"Hey son!", Genma exclaimed after dinner, that foreboding 4th day, "I've got good news!"

With some people, you know exactly what they mean because they _say _exactly what they mean. With most people, there's some ambiguity, since it is commonly necessary to become quite skilled in telling polite falsehoods to maintain a 'well-adjusted' normal social-life. But with selected handful of people you can tell what they mean because it is the exact_ opposite _of what they say. Genma is one of those people.

"You do?", Ranko intoned thinking, '_another fiance? a trip to a new cursed training grounds? you used my life as collateral on a 15-year overdue loan?'_

"Yes, Indeed!", Genma continued, "you see my old friend Tendo and I had a hearing in court today"

"But they let you off with a warning, if you'll promise not to do it again?"

"No, no, we were able to get certain... documents altered to reflect certain aspects of your current situation better than they previously had."

"So you finally registered me as 'female' over at Furinkan High?"

"No, no, we've got your birth certificate altered, and legally changed your name!" Genma grabbed his now legally defined 'son' by the shoulders as tears began to flow freely down his face, "how does your first day as a _man_ feel?"

"I think I have a headache"

(If anyone cares: I don't know how hard this actually is to do in Japan, laws vary from state to state in the US in some states it is actually fairly easy to change a birth certificate or drivers license, it is much harder to get a US passport changed. Even though Ranko would would be a minor I don't know if her father could change her birth certificate without her being present at court. When push comes to shove, you can just assume Genma and Soun bribed the proper parties ... and scene break)

Later we see Soun and Genma playing Shogi:

"This is proving harder than I thought", Genma commented.

"Indeed", Soun agreed, "I must say that I'm playing quite well today".

"No, no", Genma waved his hands, "I mean convincing Rank..Ranma to accept his engagement to Akane and carrying on the legacy of our schools like a true _man_."

But incidentally Genma _was _to pre-occupied to cheat so Soun was kinda trouncing him as well.

"Yes", Soun replied, "but surely there must be something we can do to ... persuade her... ah _him _of his manhood"

"Yes, indeed", Genma nodded, "but what?"

"Perhaps we should take him drinking?"

"Hmm... actually Ranma is completely intolerant of alcohol"

"Really?"

"Yep, it was an unfortunate side effect of his training in the 'martial arts drinking contest'"

"Perhaps a brief stint in one of the armed forces?"

(Picture the village people singing 'In the Navy')

"Or not... how about moose hunting?"

"That would require a trip to Korea or Russia"

"How 'bout bear hunting?"

"I'm somewhat uncomfortable with that"

"Well how 'bout we just take him down to the public bathes to peep at some ladies?"

"Hmm... that could work..."

Yes it _could _work. No it was not particularly _likely _to work. Yes Ranko, or 'Ranma" if you will, has never spent a significant amount of time around girls of his own, or any age for that matter. At least not for a long time. And she was pretty surprised by Akane waling in on her, and she'd called Akane 'hot'. But come on... it_ couldn't_ work... could it?

-(Scene Break)-

"So tell me where we're going again?", Ranko demanded as her currently Panda-formed father dragged her down the street.

'The public bathes', signed the bear.

"Now tell me again _why _we're going there?"

'Because the hot water is broken at the Tendo Dojo', signed Genma, frustrated.

"And this matters to me... why?", Ranko irately, "I already took a bath a half hour ago! I'm as cleaner than a Disney film and more entertaining!"

Strictly for plot purposes, it had rained rather recently in Nerima and Genma and Ranko happened to be passing a large mud puddle just at the instant. Shortly thereafter, Genma was passing a large mud puddle from which Ranko was rising quite angrily.

"Argh!" she screamed.

'Well _now_ you're not', the panda signed.

"You're gonna pay for that old man!", shouted Ranko charging.

'Look, another one of your _fiance's _has suddenly caught up with us!', signed Genma.

"Where?"

'_sucker'_, thought Genma bringing the sign down on Rankos head. He picked her up and placed her over his shoulder. '_now let's get to the bathes'_

-(Scene Break)-

Upon arrive at the bathes Genma set about reviving Ranko, which he achieved relatively easily, by waving a cookie under her nose. It went something like this:

Genma waves the cookie.

Rankos eyes pop open, she shouts "Ooh, a cookie!"

Ranko winces in pain, "Ow, my head really hurts!"

Ranko yells at Genma, "You bastard! If you wanted me to go to the bathes so bad, you could

just have told me you'd give me a cookie!"

But enough of that silliness, and onto different silliness and while I'm at it, I'll return to using the past tense for this story:

'Okay son, let's go bathe', the Panda signed.

Ranko started for the "guys" side entrance to the bathes.

'Hold it, _hold it'_, signed the Panda, before realizing that, unlike shouting at people, signs only catch people's attention when they see them. So he grabbed Ranko by the paw, spun her around and signed: 'shouldn't you be visiting the 'womens' side?'

"No, I don't think so", Ranko replied, "you just called me your son. Ergo I am male. Ergo..." Ranko again turned for the 'men's' entrance.

And again Genma caught her by the shoulder and signed, 'Ah... but you are at the moment quite obviously female.'

"Yes, indeed I am.", replied Ranko who attempted to turn and, again, make her way into the bathes via the 'men's entrance'.

'Son!', the Panda signed, his paw still on her shoulder, 'Son! Quit ignoring me!'

"Ah... we just agreed I'm female", Ranko explained.

The panda nodded, exasperated.

"So I'm clearly not your son", Ranko continued.

The panda and his redheaded and somewhat gender confused offspring had achieved a stalemate which could only be broken by some sort of brilliantly executed maneuver conceived and written by your humble (hack) author. Since that's clearly not gonna happen, we're lucky that, Ryoga picked that moment to randomly wander into Nerima.


	14. Angstfest '07

Chapter Notes:

This chapter heavily plagiarizes the Manga, the attention to detail of my plagiarism might account for this. I tried it before, found the same thing happened, and decided to scrap the result. This time I'm keeping it, mostly because Rumiko Takehashi is _way _better at fight scenes than me. The events differ most heavily from Ranma and Ryoga's second fight (where Akane loses her hair) leading up to the fight and then right at the end. The efficient reader may wish to skip the stuff in between.

Sorry about the delay in posting, it was caused primarily by my discovery of the comics 'fans' and 'shortpacked'. The backstory between Ryoga and Ranko is explained more in the next chapter, I could see it as being controversial, but on the other hand, this whole damn story is controversial so maybe I shouldn't be splitting hairs over it. Oh well, hope someone enjoys this.

Chapter 13

Angst-fest '07 featuring Ranko Saotome and Ryoga Hibiki

(with guest appearances by Genma Saotome, Akane Tendo, and direct plagiarism)

It was a peaceful and uneventful day at the Tendo dojo. Akane realized she found that pro-foundly disturbing. '_Now let me think about this'_, she thought, _'why does this bother me?'._

_'Well, peace and quiet... there's nobody fighting, hmm... nobody fighting... that means I'm not fighting with Ranko, and Ranko's not fighting with her father... ah!', _Akane found the source of the nagging feeling that there was some profoundly disturbing about the lull in chaos at the dojo. _'Ranko and her father are missing!'_

So Akane set out to do what, to her, seemed by far the most reasonable and natural thing to do:

She asked Kasumi where Ranko was.

This is normally a perfectly sane and reasonable activity to engage in. In nine out of ten Ranma fanfictions you will get a response like "Oh my! His father dragged him off to the public bathes on some sort of fool's errand to convince her she's a 'him'". Or more likely without the editorial slant. That tenth fan fiction usually features an, evil twisted Kasumi, presumably on the grounds that if you're not gonna keep it canon, the next best thing is to take the polar opposite.

The Kasumi of this particular 'Ranmaverse', however, was neither canon nor evil. She simply suffered from acute boredom and chronic boredom, since she really had little or no role to play in this particular fanfiction. Sure, hanging out with the other minor characters was cool, and talking to the background musicians was okay... but that got old after awhile.

So now Kasumi was experimenting with hallucinogens.

So when Akane asked, "Hey Kasumi, do you have any idea where Ranko or Genma is?"

The response she got was, "why don't you just ask those ugly little gnomes on your shoulders?"

"Err," Akane was taken aback, both by the non-sequitur response and the strange, glazed look in Kasumi's eyes.

"Because that would be too much work?", demanded Kasumi, "because _I'm _around you've got no reason to do anything for yourself?"

"Err"

"You an' Ranko, it's always the same thing, completely ignoring me until you want something!", Kasumi continued, "well I'm sick and tired of it, so you can just take your gnomes and ... ooh!"

"Ah, Kasumi?", Akane did not like the way Kasumi was peering at the empty space sligthly behind her. She also didn't like boys, cruelty to animals, or grape flavored soda. But future events would indicate that it really was that 'Kasumi staring at blank space' _was _the right thing to be disliking at that particular moment.

"Hey, Akane", Kasumi warned, "you should really watch out for that giant lizard behind you"

Akane looked behind her, just in case Kasumi _wasn't _teetering precipitously on the edge that divides the sane from the crazy, but she was much assured by the fact that there was, in fact, no giant lizard behind her.

Akane was much less assured by the fact that Kasumi had picked up a carving knife and was saying, "Don't worry, he's on your back, but I think I can get 'im!"

Akane dodged as Kasumi lunged toward the small of her back with a Ginsu 2000 carving knife, one of a 'deluxe' ten-piece set, as advertised on late night television. Yes folks, this thing will saw through a tin can! This thing will saw through lead! This thing is _actually _an imitation piece of crap. But despite that, it will still saw through _flesh _and leave deep lacerations, so Akane decided that the prudent coarse of action was retreat and misdirection.

"Don't worry!", she yelled as she ran off in the general direction of the Nerima Public Bathes, "that lizard's actually a close personal friend of mine!"

-(scene break)-

George Harrison once said, "if you don't know where you're going, any road while take you there.", which he may or may not have been clever enough to come up with on his own, but neither Ryoga nor a certain north American fanfiction writer did either, so let's just call it even.

Besides, Ryoga didn't have that problem. Ryoga know _exactly _where he was going, or at least where he wanted to be. The problem was that _every _road refused to take him there. For example, the A82 Fort Worth. It had refused to take him to Fort Worth. It had instead brought him to somewhere in the boondocks of Canada. In fact, the boondocks of Canada in another era, in another animated television series, from another creator, on a different continent.

And this dear reader, is why Ryoga had never shown up to meet Ranma for a duel of honor scheduled for, what was going on, ... well Ryoga figured about a year. It was hard to tell. For most people, even if you somehow manage to avoid looking at a calender for months on end, the gradual changing of the seasons would be a clue as to how much time had past since you set out to beat the crap out of one of your so-called 'friends'. But for Ryoga things were not so simple. Your average person, you see, spends most of his time in one place, with expected seasonal variations in weather. Ryoga couldn't depend on being in the same hemisphere from day to day.

Though Ryoga had decided to follow Ranma to China, to settle there differences once and for all and make Ranma pay for his cowardice in skipping a man-to-man duel, Ryoga had never quite made it there either. Well Ryoga, _had_ made it to China, on three separate occasions, which he'd followed immediately by excursions to Korea, Burma, and an extended tour of Southern Europe and North Africa.

But he'd never caught up to Ranma.

So what Ryoga was running off now was hope not so much that he'd eventually find his way to where ever in China it was that Ranma had run off to, but rather that, quiet at random, he would eventually end up wherever it was that Ranma was _now_. Still, he had to aim for something, and China was a better target then say, Rantoul, IL, since if you asked people where China was they could give you directions, which Ryoga would then ignore and, more importantly, Ryoga had no idea there was a town in the United States called 'Rantoul' anyway.

So it was with this goal in mind that Ryoga stopped to ask a nice-looking red-headed much-preceded-by -hyphenated-adjectives girl with a panda trying to walk into the men's entrance of a public bath house for directions to China. Her response, however, was not exactly what he expected.

"RYOGA!"

"err, yes?"

"You, _bastard!_

"Do I know you?"

"Perhaps the name 'Ranma Saotome' rings a bell?"

To the amazement of some bystanders, Genma materialized a sign that said, 'son I'm so proud you've finally accepted your masculinity!'. He was, however, completely ignored by said, 'son' and his eternally lost... acquaintance.

"You know Ranma?", inquired Ryoga. At first things had been looking pretty bleak. Bleak like he was going to blow this particular Popsicle stand by running away from some red-haired loony,instead of, as he was accustomed to, running in the particular direction he had convinced himself Ranma was in. But actually, this loony had _connections to Ranma_. So maybe he would finally confront his old.. perhaps _nemesis _was the best word.

"You could say that", Ranko replied. "_I'm '_Ranma Saotome.'"

And then it dawned on Ryoga. The face. The eyes. The pig-tail. Yes, this _was _Ranma Saotome. Ranma Saotome after some obnoxious hair dyeing and chest-stuffing, but what would you expect from that bastard anyway?

"Heh, heh", Ryoga laughed harshly, "so you've taken up cross-dressing as well, huh?"

"What do you mean, '_as well'_?", Ranko demanded, "I was cross-dressing all along!"

"My god!", Ryoga was taken aback, "you pervert!"

"You're calling _me _a pervert?", Ranko demanded, "I'm not the one who made up those stories!"

"That's different!", Ryoga protested.

"Sure it's _different!_", Ranko agreed, "because nobody got hurt because of me cross-dressing but me, and I put up with a month's worth of hell because of _your _stories!"

"I..."

"Ranma's _gay_, Ranma tried to _kiss_ me! and all that crap!!!_", _Ranko was outright screaming by now, "after your little escapes into fiction, instead of just _ignoring _me, people went _out of their way _to be mean to me!"

"People hated you _before _I said that!", Ryoga protested, "people said you and I were a _couple! _I don't care if you wanted to make yourself a social misfit, but I wasn't going to let you drag _me _down with you!"

"I thought you were my _friend!_", Ranko screamed.

Which hurt, because it was, more or less true. But these are the unfortunate facts of the high school social order. If nobody really cares about you one way or another you pretty much cruise by on indifference. If you hangout with the local misfit, you're _uncool by association_, and if, _somehow_, the rumor gets goin' that you and him of a homosexual relationship... well then you're just pretty much fucked. So how do you better your social situation if your only friend is that social misfit? Well, you stab 'im in the back, that's what! It might even work...

"I didn't ask you to help me around!", Ryoga countered, "I could've found my own way to school! I didn't ask you to spar with me! I didn't ask you to hang around!"

Now while Ranko and Ryoga were having there little teenage-angst-fest, Genma figured he may as well take some time out to get _himself _some nice hot water and change back to his natural form. Now normally a large Panda bear walking into a bath-house would cause a major panic and Genma's entrance into the bath house was no exception, fortunately or unfortunately, the almost universal reaction to 'Mr. Panda's' grand entrance, was simply to freeze absolutely still. While the panda proceeded into the baths, transformed into a balding middle aged man, filled a bucket with hot water and left, leaving behind a surprising mass of wet fur and many a bystander with the thought, '_what a_ jerk,_ that Panda didn't even rinse off.'_

But Genma wasn't the only person finding something useful to do as Ryoga and 'Ranma' rehashed their tainted acquittance-ship, there were, in fact over 6 billion people doing _something _at the time, and surely at least one of them was doing _something _of importance to our story. Like maybe that long haired girl running towards the baths without a lizard on her back... ah! that's Akane!

"Ranko!", shouted the lizardless girl.

"Er... high Akane", answered Ranko, waving at Akane in a somewhat embarrassed fashion.

"'Ranko'?", questioned Ryoga.

"That's my name..." answered the obviously-referred-to party

"So...", Ryoga laughed, "not only do you cross-dress... you made up a 'name' for your 'girl side'"

"Ranko, what's going on?", asked Akane.

"Uh...", Ranko started, "well, it's a bit long to explain right now..."

"And fooling an innocent girl into playing along with your 'farce'!", Ryoga interjected.

"Farce?", questioned Akane.

"Ranma Saotome!", Ryoga continued, "I WILL DESTROY YOUR HAPPINESS!!!"

"I'm happy?", Ranko wondered aloud.

"Don't ask me!", Akane chided.

And with that, the confrontation degenerated into battle, as all of use knew it inevitably would, even your humble author, despite his ineptness at writing fight seasons. But both your Author and Ryoga have secret weapons that they intend to bring to bear on the object of their attention. In Ryoga's case it was the ridiculously heavy umbrella he was charging with. In your Author's case it's having the manga open while writing this scene. In fact, if _you've _got the manga, handy (or the anime) you can basically just read it and change Akane's 'Ranma's to 'Ranko's. But if you don't or you have some sort of masochistic preference for my writing, we continue:

Ryoga slashed at Ranko with the umbrella, his strikes so fast that one saw six umbrellas occupying the space in front of him simultaneously, Ranko meanwhile back-pedaled rapidly, then leaped to the air in hopes of landing a kick from above. Ryoga, however countered by leaping almost immediately afterward, and striking with his umbrella, his accompanying scream of "Ranma Saotome because of you I've seen HELL (Michigan, USA) !", may or may not have been in response to Akane's questioning from the sidelines, "Wait a minute! What's this all about!"

Ranko backflipped over Ryoga's umbrella strike and both her and Ryoga fell to the ground, after recovering from his failed strike, Ryoga opened his umbrella and with a vicious spin of his arm launched it at Ranko, who had countered by screaming, "_You _betrayed _me!_", which she followed by ducking back to avoid Ryoga's ridiculously over-weighted umbrella.

_hmm'_, she thought, _I don't remember that umbrella'_

Ryoga followed the umbrella by a peppering of bandanna.

_but', _Ranko thought as she dodged between bandanna-salvos, _I remember those bandannas all too well'_

"Don't you ever run out of those?", asked Ranko as she continued to dodge.

"You won't make light of _this_ Saotome!", retorted Ryoga, bring his leg up to block Ranko's retaliatory Kick.

Meanwhile, Ryoga's umbrella had finally fluttered to the grown and Akane notice a bystander attempting to pick it up, apparently with great difficulty.

"What's the matter?", she called.

The black haired youth replayed, "This thing weighs a ton!", in a rather strained voice.

An image of Ryoga swinging said ton-weighted umbrella flashed through Akane's mind, "Ranko!", she called, "don't stay close in close with him!"

'Easy for _you _to say', though Ranko, narrowly dodging two of Ryoga's hand-strikes as Akane ever-so-helpfully added "stay out of his reach!"

Ryoga's third punch caught Ranko glancingly on the arm, leaving a small line of dull red.

'_he cut me...', _Ranko thought, _'it looks like I may have to get serious'_.

The 'advice from Akane' series continued with a cry of:

"Ranko, get away from him fast! He has the strength of a monster!"

"Heh, heh", laughed Ryoga striking straight through Ranko's skull, "looks like you found out a little too late"

Or maybe it was Ryoga who had been too late, for Ranko had, evidently moved just in time to not only dodge Ryoga's blow, but all to flip up behind Ryoga, adding to his forward moment and sending him face first into the ground with her bottom upon his back for added measure.

r

"What did I find out too late?", she taunted.

"You dare ... to ... push me to my knees!" shouted Ryoga, enraged, one-handedly launching himself, and the red-head upon his back up off the ground, finally surprising Ranko.

'_damn'_, she thought, _'I guess he got a lot better'_

But Ranko gritted her teeth and as they landed, she came down first, and used her feet and their combined momentum to send Ryoga flying in Akane's general direction, in fact quite unintentionally, nearly hitting her in the process.

Akane backed away from Ryoga, somewhat shaken by the near miss.

Ryoga on the other hand, rose to meet Ranko as she followed up on her strike, lashing out in turn with his umbrella, missing Ranko, but tearing a nice gap through the chest of her shirt.

"That was my favorite shirt!", complained Ranko.

"This is war!", Ryoga answered, "Don't act like a girl!"

It was absurd really. Ranko had every right to act like a girl. But Ranko and Ryoga had been students at an all-boys high school, and old habits die hard, so Ranko lunged forward at Ryoga screaming "Who ... are ... you ... calling ... a ... girl !?!"

At the end of her kick, she and Ryoga flew through and burst the pipes on an inconveniently placed water fountain. But in this case, no further cold water was needed to invoke Ranko's transformation, so more importantly, her strike disturbed the precarious equilibrium of her shirt's tattered chest and Ryoga got a good look at Ranko's 'chest stuffing' first hand.

Other girls might stoop to using their 'assets' to distract and strike an opponent of the male-persuasion.

But not Ranko.

She was just mad enough she didn't even think about the fact that Ryoga was staring through the gaping hole in her shirt's chest, she simply landed blow after blow to the unfortunate boy's head.

"What do I look like you blind jerk!", she screamed.

The "advice from Akane series", abruptly resumed with Akane's cry of 

"Ranko, your torso!"

Which Ranko found much more helpful then previous entries to the series, and responded by quickly crossing her arms together over her chest, pushing the tattered fabric of her shirt back into position.

"Ranma!', Ryoga started, "you... you..."

"Yes! I'm a girl!". Ranko screamed, "I was only cross-dressing 'cause I had to go to that damn boy's school!"

"You're... a... girl?", we're the human brain not an organic construction, but a computer of the more banal, electronic kind, you would have heard a loud whirring noise emanating from within Ryoga's skull. As it was, you just noticed a dumb-founded confused expression cross his face, as his sentences became punctuated by long pauses.

There were problems, here. The entire premise of his search for Ranma, his desire for revenge, even the pangs of suppressed guilt at his betrayal of a friend had all been based on a lie. A misunderstanding. His entire world had been re-arranged and he didn't know where he fit in anymore or what he was supposed to do.

So he went with his default course of action and attacked 'Ranma" again, even as his brain struggled with the fact that, 'Ranko' was, in fact, likely the true name of his old nemesis.

But this time Akane was to close to the fray, to avoid being out of danger. Ranko did her best to shield her fiance from Ryoga's bandanna strikes and as he again threw his umbrella, Ranko caught it in one arm, lifted Akane with the other and quickly bounded away, until the pair of martial artists eventually came to a rest upon a nearby rooftop.

Still tightly clutching to each other.

It made, Ranko realized, her uncomfortable in a way she was quite unsure of having ever been uncomfortable before. Meanwhile a somewhat shaken (not stirred) Akane was stirring (not shaking) form her state of shock.

'_Ranko saved me!' _she thought '_she must care...'_

"_Ahem",_ Ranko cleared her throat.

Akane quickly let go of Ranko and backed away, blushing. Actually they were both blushing.

"That was kinda stupid, you know", Ranko commented. "interfering like that"

"Interfering?"

"Yeah, interfering in a man to man fight"

"Who's a man?!", retorted Akane with rising anger.

"Well... Ryoga, although arguably he's too immature to be anything but a boy..." Ranko paused before continueing, "and _me_, although arguably I'm a girl. Arguably."

Arguably, it had been a bad idea to forget about Ryoga, who interrupted Ranko and Akane's abrupt slide from semi-romantic encounter into the more comfortable zone of almost-fight swinging a long ribbon of superb tensile strength at the bickering pair.

Well, actually, he was swinging _at _Ranko, and he ended up chopping off about half of Akane's wealth of hair so either way, maybe the choice of words 'at the pair' was the wrong one.

All action froze immediately afterward.

Ranko waved her hands in front of Akane's face.

"She's in shock?", she wondered aloud.

"What do you expect!", commented an on-looking school girl, "caught in public with a hair-cut like that!"

"What kind of girl are you?", demanded school-girl's companion.

"An arguable one", mumbled Ranko to herself.

"Obviously, you don't have any sense of modesty either!" continued school girl number one.

Which caused Ranko to gather her shirt back together again, '_shit, I forgot about that'_

"Hmph!" assented school girl number 2.

"Hmph!" sighed the assorted male on-lookers, now dissapointed.

"Hmph!", snorted Ryoga indignantly, "she's not injured, is she!"

"No", Ranko answered, "but she's sure got a bad cut!"

"Come on, Akane!", Ranko called, taking Akane's shoulder in one hand,"Snap out of it! If it makes you feel better you can hit me!"

"You may hit me too", Ryoga offered.

"Come on, lay it on!", urged Ranko.

Two giant red hand-imprints later, Ryoga commented, "agreeble girl, isn't she?"

Ranko, gathered up her tattered shirt for the third time and commented, "I'm going home."

'Here Ranmo', signed Genma deciding that the action was probably done for the day, 'this hot water will perhaps be of assistance'

"You're human now, you know", Ranko stated, taking the bucket and turning it over her head, "it's cold now, too."

"Heh, heh..." Genma scratched at his head, "guess I forgot."

Clang! Ranko, noticed a streetlight bend and fall to the ground, at a suspiciously close temporal proximity to the moment it was passed by a girl in a blue dress with recently shortened hair.

"On second thought", Ranko decided, "I'm going to see if Uchan has a shirt I can borrow"

'Were you a man you would require no shirt!',signed Genma, yes, still in human form.

"Oh give it a rest ,pops", Ranko shook her head.


	15. CAUCS: A binding arrangement

Chapter 14

The Conversations at Uchan's Series Presents :

A Binding Arrangement

"Hey, Uchan!", Ranko called, walking into Ukyo's small restaurant, "do you have a shirt I could borrow?"

"Out flashing the neighbors, eh Ranchan?"

"Nah, I got into a fight with an old ... 'friend' of mine"

"Did her father have a Yattai too?"

"Nope, this one's a 'he'"

"His father had a Yattai?"

"Look, are you going to lend me a shirt or not?"

"I don't know", giggled Ukyo, "It might attract more customers if I _didn't"_

"_Oh, come on!"_, protested Ranko

"I'm just teasing", assured Ukyo, "let's see what I've got"

-(meanwhile)-

'_Freakin' jerks_', thought the martial artist formerly know as 'un-cute', "_well... guess that does it."_

Akane ran her fingers through her significantly shortened hair. All that time she'd spent, all the pining for ... a _man_, a _true_ man, kind and compassionate, smart and talented, but ... he loved her sister and ... Akane wasn't her sister.

'_Besides'_, Akane thought to herself, "_he doesn't appear in this 'fic anyways, I might as well have a crush on Ryoko from _'Tenchi Muyo!'... _eh'_

Indeed it is problematic to be romantically involved with characters not of your universe, but Akane's infatuation with Dr. Tofu was more than that, her hair was more than that. It was symbolic of her desire to be feminine, to be like her older sister, and of her heterosexuality as well. The entrance of Ranko into her life had been disturbing in many ways, but what it had implied about her sexuality was perhaps the most disturbing of all.

For Akane could not deny she was attracted to the boxum young redhead as well as, to a lesser degree, her lankier, taller, birth-form. It came as somewhat of a shock, for Akane had simply not considered the matter before. Was she attracted to girls? Never before, was she attracted to boys? Well, certainly not any of the ones she knew. But, she _had _been attracted to Dr. Tofu... right?

'_Or is he more like a father figure?_', wondered Akane, '_but I was so jealous of his affection for Kasumi, still... you _could _be jealous of a fathers love too... I just don't know"_

_'Well, he _is _a bit too older for me... but... then again ... at any rate, I've known it wouldn't work for so long ... I guess it's time that I finally just admitted it'_

Akane shook herself out of her reverie to notice that she'd arrived back home, she walked in and called, "I'm home!"

"Hello there, Akane!", replied Kasumi smiling sweetly, "oh my! you're hair, what happened?"

"Oh, nothing... I just decided it was time for a change", Akane replied patting her shortened locks, "Do you think you could even it up a bit for me?"

"Well, sure!", Kasumi replied, it wasn't a trip to Disneyland, but it was at least some break in monotony of her existence, "Would you mind removing your lizard first?"

"Uh...", Akane remembered now the events that had preceded her encounter with Ranko and Ryoga, "on second thought, maybe I'll see if Nabiki would..."

"Oh, nonsense!", Kasumi, already having picked a pair of scissors out of a nearby drawer "I'm here! I've got scissors! And I'm completely OK with the lizard now that I know he's a friend of yours'"

"Really ,it's fine", Akane insisted inching backwards and waving her hands, "actually, I might just keep it the way it is, it's sort of 'avant-garde' "

Kasumi snipped the scissor menacingly advancing toward her younger sister.

Akane broke into a run calling, "I'm gonna find Ranko again!"

Kasumi chased her sister to the door before giving up and calling, "oh you're just _no fun!"_

and back at Uchan's)

"How's that fit?", Ukyo asked Ranko as she tried on one of her dark blue shirts.

"It's kinda tight", replied the Redhead.

"It's_ supposed _to be kinda tight" Ukyo answered

"But it _hurts!_" protested Ranko

"Welcome to my world", Ukyo gestured dismissively, "I guess I can get you some hot water"

"Why didn't you just do that _before ?_" demanded Ranko.

"Because my shirts _don't _fit your cursed-form", explained Ukyo, "unless we bind your breasts"

"But why not just _change me back_?", Ranko persisted.

"Because", Ukyo answered, "You're a water magnet, and I'm not letting your ruin one of _my _shirts"

"Jerk"

"Jackass"

"Tomboy"

"Cross-dresser!"

"Hey you can't call _me _that!"

"Heh, heh". Ukyo laughed, "Hey, you cut your arm"

Well that's not technically accurate, Ryoga cut Ranko's arm, but whatever.

"It's only a scratch"

"Well, I'm gonna go get the hydrogen peroxide and a band-aid"

"It's only a scratch!"

"Hey, this is a restaurant. I take sanitation _seriously_"

(and meanwhile, somewhere in China )

_'Where the hell am I know?'_, wondered a boy with a bandanna, '_I could've sworn I was in Juuban not three minutes ago!.'_

Which was true for what is worth. It was also true that Ryoga was experiencing a certain existential crisis. The problem was he'd just spent a year or so of his life seeking revenge again 'Ranma' Saotome, who was unbeknownst to him, now an actual legal entity, but was for all intents and purposes _not a real person_. The _real_ Saotome was 'Ranko', a girl who had, surprisingly spent 3 months of her life atending the same all-boys high school as him, leaving none the wiser.

Of course their had been the popular saying, 'Ranma's' a girl', which had more to do with 'his' occupying the lowest rung on the social ladder, having come into High School in the middle of a semester, with no friends what-so-ever, and a shy inclination which prevented her from making any. Except Ryoga.

'Ranma' had discovered Ryoga's absolutely horrible sense of direction shortly after her arrival, when she was niave enough to as Ryoga for directions to classroom 3B, and Ryoga had led her on a three-day trek through the Gymnasium into the swamps of southern Vietnam and then, quiet luckily, into Kyoto, where Ranko assumed navigational responsibility for their expedition and led Ryoga home.

Besides discovering his truly amazing ability to flit randomly through space, and perhaps even time, Ranko had discovered that she and Ryoga shared a mutual interest in the martial arts and, surprisingly, he was even somewhat of a match for her. And so began a problematic friendship.

Problematic because the two became virtually inseparable, not just because Ranko had made no other friends, but because she'd taken it upon herself to make sure Ryoga actually showed up to school everyday. She couldn't _let_ him out of her sight unless he promised to _stay _where she left him. And this had led to the beginning of the rumors. Ryoga had basically avoided notice at school, not being there half the time helped. But 'Ranma'...

The first day of school, 'Ranma' had stolen Ichorou Minomoto lunch. Well perhaps 'stolen' wasn't the best word. Everyday Keiko the cafeterian cook and custodian (who is not Anne May, my sea anemone enemy) , would throw the days selection of bread into the mealstorm of hungry teenaged boys. It was a free-for-all as to who ate first and nearly everyday someone was forced to go hungry.

If there was one thing that her father had taught Ranko... well, besides martial arts, it was how to procure food in the face of any possible opposition. Ichorou was the captain of the school baseball team. He was intelligent and charismatic and a manipulative bastard so, quite naturally, he occupied the top spot of the schools pecking order. He didn't have to fight for his own bread... someone would do it for him. Ranko's first day of school the brothers Iwao and Akira Matsumoto, Shinji Sato, and Yoshihiro Yamamoto had been expected to grab bread in the fight and give half to Ichorou. But Ranko had been hungry and completely unaware of the local social hierarchy so she had simply jumped into the fray, taken the four boys bread and chowed down.

Which made her a powerful enemy. And not the type she could easily deal with, for martial artists of incredible skill were nothing to her, but subtle social manipulation was completely outside the scope of her experience. Ryoga was not particularly skilled in this area either, but he had spent a longer time at this particular school, and in the Japanese school system in general, despite his frequent absences, and had understood better the reasons and process whereby Ranko became the schools pariah. But at the same time he knew he owed a debt to 'Ranma' and... actually liked 'him', so he became 'Ranma's' only friend and, quickly enough, by way of popular myth 'Ranma's boyfriend'.

And achieved for himself the same ostracism that Ranko had. But he handled it worse, felt more the desire to be accepted, to belong to the group. And after a while he had begun to question whether Ranma _was in fact attracted to him_. Ryoga was most assuredly not gay, or at least he was quite assured that he didn't want anyone _thinking _he was gay and he felt a definite attraction to members of the opposite sex. But he had also felt some amount of attraction to 'Ranma' and it irked the hell out of him. In the end, Ryoga had turned on his friend and made up the story that 'Ranma' had tried to kiss him, that he hadn't bought into the rumors but they were all true... and he'd been accepted again, even becoming a minor figure in Ichorou's circle. It was better than being an outcast and better to push 'Ranma' away then have to deal with a potentially inconvenient truth about his sexual orientation.

But 'Ranma' had taken the betrayal quite hard and quite personal. Ranko had made sure that Ryoga never ate lunch until her departure for China, snagging Ryoga's bread right before he grabbed it day after day. She had taunted him verbally to the extent of her ability and finally she had challenged him to their ill-fated duel, waited three days for him, then left for China with her father.

And Ryoga had followed, driven by a spite fueled by his discomfort at ostracism, his unwanted attraction to who he thought was a boy, and a sense of guilt at his own betrayal of a true friend. Rationally it made no sense, for on some level, he knew that 'Ranma' could not be blamed for his plight, anymore than he could be blamed for simply existing. But Ryoga wasn't ready to deal with his guilt or question his sexuality, so he blamed 'Ranma'. He blamed 'Ranma' for simply existing, and set out to remedy the problem.

'_but it was all a lie'_, Ryoga reflected, _'he was a _girl_ all along! and ... i betrayed her. Well what do I do now?'_

Well, looking where he was going would've been a great idea, because Ryoga abruptly found his way, at long last to that legendary and cursed training grounds that Ranma and her father had visited. And walked right into the 'spring of drowned black piglet'.

Very tragic story.

(back at Uchan's)

"So that's the story?", questioned Ukyo as she counted the days earnings, closing time having come and gone, as Ranko had interspersed serving their clientèle with an explanation of her trouble-some relationship with Ryoga and her having re-encountered him at the bathes, "Why were you enrolled in an all-boys high school anyway?"

"Besides my dad's desperate longing to have had a son?"

"Well when you put it that way, it does seem like a stupid question", Ukyo admitted, "here, take this and wipe down the counter"

"Okay"

"So...", Ukyo commented, "how's Akane?"

"Uh... Akane?", Ranko realized she'd left a somewhat important part of her story out.

"You know... girl with long hair, does kempo, engaged to you..."

"Well, actually she's kind pissed off at the minute", Ranko explained, "at the end of the fight Ryoga pulled this ribbon thing out and sliced a whole bunch of her hair off. She left pretty upset."

"Oh... maybe you should go check on her"

"Yeah", nodded Ranko, "maybe I should"

(later at the Tendo dojo)

A newly short haired girl was sitting at a wooden desk in front of a large window. She'd been unable to find Ranko back around the bathes, so she'd given up and discretely re-entered the dojo, snuck past Kasumi and convinced Nabiki to trim her hair ... inexchange for a few snapshots of her new 'do, she wasn't sure what Nabiki wanted them for, but whatever. 

Afterwards, she realized that the process of sneaking around Kasumi to get her hair cut had effectively killed her nervous energy reserves and had settled down to do some nice, boring school work for awhile. At the moment she wasn't doing anything in particular and was actually expecting to get some sleep soon. What she _wasn't _expecting was a pig-tailed martial artist tapping on her window while hanging bat-style from the roof.

"Eeep!" Akane exclaimed.

Ranko, luckily, was much harder to startle and, thus, maintained her precarious grip on the roof, until Akane recovered from shock and open her windowed. Which is not to say she bothered to enter the room like a still rather eccentric, but slightly less abnormal person would have.

"Hey Akane!", Ranko greeted cheerfully. She had considered making funny faces, but she figured, having already startled Akane, that that would just be going over the top.

"Hi Ranko", answered Akane.

"How ya' doin'?", asked Ranko, "I'm really sorry..."

"Don't be", Akane interrupted her, "I was thinking about cutting my hair anyway"

"Yeah", Ranko dropped to Akane's window sill, so as to see Akane right-side-up, "it actually looks kinda _cute_"

"Do you think so?", Akane asked blushing.

"Yeah... I see you gut some-one to even it out" Ranko observed.

"Nabiki did it", explained Akane, "I was gonna have Kasumi do it, but she seemed ... preoccupied"

"Really? That's good!"

"Huh?", Akane blinked at Ranko's response.

"Yeah!" Ranko explained, "she just seems so bored all the time! I'm glad she's found something to keep her occupied,"

"Yeah..." Akane agreed, '_I'd just feel better if she had a hobby that didn't attacking things that aren't on my back with scizzors ..."_

"So ... you're really okay?" Ranko persisted, "You're sure?"

"Yes, Ranko...", Akane assured, "you know what would make me feel even better though?"

"Um... no?", Ranko answered with an air of foreboding (but quite correctly?)

"A kiss from my fiance!", exclaimed Akane, planting a forceful kiss on Ranko's lips.

Quiet forceful.

Forceful enough to knock Ranko from her precarious windowsill perch.

Crash!

"Sorry Ranko!"

"s'okay... I think maybe I'll just lie down here for awhile"

(meanwhile on the other side of Akane's bedroom door)

"Did you here that Tendo?"

"Indeed I did Saotome"

"Their first kiss!" (Genma had missed the one at school)

"The school's will be joined in no time!"

"You're idea take Ranma to the bathes was shear genius!"


	16. Wabbit Season!

**Both, Either, Neither**

Chapter 15

Child Abuse!

Training!

Child Abuse!

Training!

Training!

Child Abuse, Fire!

Ranko had been accustomed, for most of the past ten years, to waking up to a faceful of cold water, except on the rare occasions when she managed to wake up before her father. This was the predominant reason why Ranko was not what you would call 'a morning person', she woke up, for want of a better word, as a complete an utter bitch. But you would too if somebody woke _you _up with a bucket full of cold water almost everyday for a solid 10 years. Still, it was what she was used too.

What Ranko was _not _used to was waking up to the opening guitar chords (the part that comes in right after the organ intro) to 'Won't get fooled again" played through a 100-Watt Marshall combo amp w/ the volume turned up to '10'. She swore, grabbed her ears, and stumbled down the hall towards the bathroom, blundering into Akane on the way. After recovering from their collision, Ranko spoke loudly into Akane's ear:

"What the hell is going on?!"

"Kasumi's taken up the electric guitar!", shouted Akane back

"At ... whatever the fuck time it is in the morning?!"

Akane shrugged, as it was quite evident what the answer to that question was.

"Who even _sells _guitars at this hour?!", Ranko demanded... rhetorically

But Akane answered, "I think she mail-ordered it!"

Ranko nodded and decided to continue her stumbling toward the bathroom, while cursing mildly below her breath.

"Hey!", Akane continued, "You got mail too!"

'_I'll deal with this _later'Ranko thought as she made it inside the bathroom, shut the door and sat down on the toilette, '_one thing at a time'_

'One thing' having been finished, Ranko emerged from the bathroom, and returned to her and her fathers' room, where she quickly dressed and then headed downstairs. Somewhere in the middle of the song, Kasumi had either gotten bored with it or did not know the rest of the chords and launched into 'Anarchy in the UK' instead, which had degenerated at some point to random noise, which as Ranko could now see, seemed to be as a result of Kasumi being involved in a contest of 'martial arts instrument unplugging' with her father. Nabiki broke the stalemate, by walking around the battling pair, and unplugging the amplifier.

As a relative peace settled, Ranko remembered Akane's earlier comment, located said commentator, and inquired, "You said I got mail?"

"Yeah", Akane replied, "here it is"

She held out a long brown box, that appeared fairly well reinforced despite being punctured by numerous holes, with an address indicating that it was indeed a package intended for Ranko. with a return address she didn't recognize, apparently somewhere in China.

_'hmm_' she wondered, '_who could possibly want to send _me _a package?'_

She felt a strange nervousness as she broke that tape sealing the contents. Her nervousness degenerated into shear utter terror as a "mrrarrow!" emanated from the box a fluffy white cat stepped out and preceded to stretch joints one could only assume had become quite cramped after journeying so long through the Chinese and Japanese postal systems.

"Cat!!!", screamed Ranko as she almost instantanously flew across the room.

"Oh dear", remarked Genma, who had apparently also awoken at some point during the mornings unexpected performance of rock classics played at ungodly decibel levels (as indeed rock classics are usually performed) "the horror returns!"

Which is generally a sign that something stupid that Genma did is about to come back and bite him in the butt.

So it should surprise no one that as the white feline that hopefully everyone realizes is Shampoo advanced on a shivering Ranko, who was unfortunately quite cornered by the unintimidating cat, became a sweating, tremoring Ranko, before losing herself completely and becoming quite catty. And sprinting across the room and biting Genma's rear with an inhuman yet human-produced scream of "mrarrow!"

"Ow!", growled Genma, "Get off!"

Genma struggled to free his buttock from Ranko's teeth but found that they were sunk quite deeply into his flesh and that she was at quite an inconvenient angle to reach with his hands. Inspiration struck in a much less painful way than his daughter-turned-feline and he made his way to the Koi pond, submerged himself, and emerged ursinely afterwards. His know red-haired protege emerged as well, now familiarly wet and cold, but human-minded as well.

Akane, meanwhile, had picked up and was petting the white coated, purple tailed feline that Ranko had apparently received in the mail. Cute little thing. She brought it outside to see what had happened to it's recipient.

And was greeted by a large panda holding a sign that read, 'Keep that thing _away _from Ranma!'

Ranko decided that, she was dressed decently enough to go out on the town, where there might be cats, but at least 'the town' was not 'the dojo' were the was _definitely _a cat. So a wet, cold, irritated, and at the moment, human-minded, Ranko took off.

Akane, meanwhile, demanded of Gernma, "Why?"

And so the Nekoken was explained to the Tendo family and to the cat that they didn't know was Shampoo.

"But that's _horrible_!", protested Akane.

"Indeed it is", signed Genma, "it's uncontrollable nature makes it of very limited use in any sort of battle"

"No it's, it's, it's..." Akane sputtered, "It's simply _child abuse!_"

"No, no", protested Genma, via sign, "merely a perfectly justifiable exercise in training... that was unfortunately unsuccessful"

"No", Akane shook her head, "definitely child abuse"

"Training!", Genma signed.

"Child abuse!"

"Training!", Genma lowered, and re-raised the sign.

"Child abuse!"

"Why don't we", interjected Nabiki, "take a vote?"

"I vote child abuse!", declared Akane, folding her arms.

"I happen to agree", Nabiki stated, "but I would be willing to look the other way for a couple thousand yen ... every month"

"I must concur as well with the verdict of child abuse", agreed Kasumi, "but at least it's interesting!"

"I too must admit that it was a bit excessive", nodded Soun, "but everybody makes mistakes"

"So we're all agreed it's child abuse?", Akane was greeted by nods from the gathered Tendos, as well the cat, who had either garnered the gist of the conversation, or just felt generally agreeable at the moment.

"So what are we gonna do?", the youngest Tendo demanded.

"Nothing...", Nabiki responded first, "as long as he pays up"

Kasumi nodded, "I've never blackmailed anyone before!"

Soun offered, more generously, "while I cannot guarantee the silence of my daughters, your secret is safe with me Saotome"

"We're not gonna do _anything!?!", _demanded Akane. The cat seemed to concur with her sentiment.

"Nope"

"Not a thing"

"You hit it right on the head there"

Agreed the other Tendos, from youngest to oldest by age.

Akane fainted.

(scene break, we resume at Uchan's)

Ranko was tapping on Ukyo's door thinking, '_come on, be home'_, after a a five minute wait Ranko was about to give up when the door was opened by a bleary eyed Ukyo.

"Hiya Uchan!" Ranko exlaimed,

"Ranchan", Ukyo deadpanned, "it's 9am in the morning on Sunday. This one very, very special day where I don't have to get up at 7am in the morning, why the hell are you here _now?"_

"Kasumi's learning electric guitar and somebody sent me a cat", explained Ranko, like it would make perfect logical sense to her groggy friend, "mind if I come in?"

"_Yes_", Ukyo answered,"but why don't you come in _anyway_, so I can stop standing here and make myself some tea"

"I'm sorry Uchan", Ranko apologized, "it's just that I don't really have anywhere else to go"

"You could just put up with Kasumi's playing!", Ukyo retorted, "and then _I _could still be sleeping"

"It's not Kasumi so much", Ranko explained, "she stopped anyway, it's the cat"

"So you're not a cat person, I take it?", Ukyo remarked, '_somehow I just know this is the beginning of another story where Genma does something stupid and/or irresponsible, something completely ridiculous happens, and it sucks for Ranko."_

Ranko explained the 'cat-fist' training to Ukyo.

"You know", Ukyo remarked after Ranko finished her story, "I'm starting to think, despite living as a boy for ten years, despite having _no _prospects for marriage, despite the shame and the humiliation of being ditched by my fiance..."

"I told you I'm _really, really sorry _about that", interjected Ranko.

"that your father really did me a _favor _by leaving me behind", Ukyo finished.

"Heh... you might be right.", Ranko replied, "I'm still sorry about it"

"Don't worry about it", Uyko assured her, "The past is the past and it wasn't your fault, anyway."

"Besides", she continued, "this doesn't answer why someone in China would send you a cat."

"No...", Ranko agreed, "it doesn't"

(meanwhile, in the streets of Nerima)

A human Genma, Soun, Akane, and Kasumi were walking together, along with a white cat held in Akane's arms.

"What are we doing, again?", demanded Akane.

"We are looking for Ranma", replied her father.

"And why are we bringing the _cat?", _she further demanded.

"Because", Genma replied, "I noticed that Ranma did not immediately go wild upon seeing the cat"

"So..."

"His fear of cats has subsided somewhat and we must take advantage of this and complete his training!", Genma explained.

"How?", demanded Akane.

"Well...", Genma started, "I figure by taking that cat and perhaps 1 or 2 or 53 others and forcing Ranma into close proximity with them"

"And this will work... why?"

"Because that was essentially what I did initially when training Ranma in the 'cat-fist'", Genma continued, "Why are you looking at my like that?"

Akane was looking at Genma like her eyes where about to explode and her forehead was about to burst.

"Well never mind that", Kasumi interjected, "Where do you think Ranko would be?"

"She hangs out with Ukyo Kounji quite a bit", Akane answered, "And why are _you _here?"

"I thought it would be _interesting"_

(Back at Uchan's sometime later)

"Hey Ranko", Ukyo was saying, "We may as well get ready to open, can you mop the floor and then take the chairs down?"

"Okay", Ranko responded, "Would you mind heating me up some hot water? I'd kind of like to change back before we open"

"Sure thing", Ukyo agreed, filling a kettle and setting it on her stove.

"Knock, knock"

"Hey, Ranko", Ukyo asked, "could you get that?"

"Okay", Ranko walked to the door and opened it.

She was greet by Akane. White cat in hands. With Genma Soun and Kasumi's facing flanking. But Ranko most just noticed the cat.

"Caaaaaaat!" she screamed, jumping away from the door.

"Rraaooeeeew!", Shampoo screamed, leaping from Akane's arms in pursuit of Ranko

Ranko was obstructed in her rear-wards leap by an inconveniently placed table, she landed on her butt with cat-form Shampoo on her chest. And lost it.

Cat-Ranko leapt backward, arched her back and hissed, her face inches from Shampoo's much smaller face. Shampoo hissed right back, though and Ranko leapt at her.

Shampoo dodged, leaping first to a chair then to another table, which Ranko shortly thereafter leapt at and knocked into the wall.

"Quick" called Akane, noticing the kettle Ukyo was boiling "douse her in hot water!"

Ranko, with her second leap, managed to catch Shampoo in her 'paws', right before Ukyo doused the both of them in hot water. And suddenly a black-haired Ranko and purple haired, quite nude Shampoo were entangled on the floor of Uchan's.

"Oh my!", Kasumi declared, '_this is _better _than drugs!'_

"_Aiya!", _screamed Shampoo.

"Oh shit!", screamed Ranko and Genma in unison, the former leaping away from the nude amazon.

"What the hell?", Akane and Uchan exclaimed.

Genma and Ranko took flight from Uchan's. Shampoo grabbed Akane's shirt and pulled it violently free, surprisingly without breaking it.

"Hey!", she protested, "I don't even _know _you!"

Shampoo ignored her, pulled the shirt on, which was, thankfully, long enough to provide her with some modicum of modesty and took off after Ranko and Genma, who was in turn followed by Soun and Kasumi, the latter cheering, "Run crazy half-nude girl! run!"

Akane, meanwhile, atempted to cover herself as much as possible with her arms (she was not nude from waist up, she at least had a bra still) and asked Ukyo, "Do you have a shirt I could borrow?"

(Meanwhile outside)

"What are we gonna do!", shouted Ranko to her father, "She's _crazy_!"

Genma's glasses glinted in the sun and he raised a finger in the air, exclaiming, "I have an idea!"

He grabbed Ranko by the arm, halted spun around placed his other arm palm out towards Shampoo. "Stop!", he commanded.

To Ranko's surprise, Shampoo stopped.

And then Genma spoke, "This isn't _really '_Ranko', it's my son Ranma!"

"Shampoo not born yesterday!", the Amazon retorted, "Same girl in village, now Shampoo continue with killing."

"No..", Genma continued, "'Ranko' is not really a girl, although he lacks certain... anatomic features, and has been raised to believe he's a girl, 'Ranko' was in fact born male as 'Ranma'."

"Hmph!!!" Shampoo snorted, then screamed "Eiyah!!!" and charged.

Ranko and her father dodged separated directions and Shampoo flew between the two without making contact.

Ranko prepared for Shampoo's next assault when suddenly all action was halted by the cry of an ancient sounding voice:

"Stop!"

Shampoo stopped, Genma and Ranko whirled toward the source of the voice.

"Cologne", Ranko breathed.

"Shampoo, I believe Genma is telling the truth"

"But great-grandmother!", protested the Amazon.

"No.. the curse, the indeterminate aura of Ranko in her natural form, it all makes sense now..."

"So what Shampoo supposed to do with run-away girl now?"

"Our traditions are actually somewhat unclear in this matter", Cologne sighed, "but as I'd felt before, when Ranko and Genma first visited our village, he is _indeed _excellent husband material, excuses his slight... 'anatomic' shortcomings... and perhaps ways around them can be found... so I believe it best to consider original the 'kiss of marriage' valid"

"No way!", protested Ranko, "I've already _got _fiances!"

"So?", Cologne waved her arm dismisively, "now you have a wife!"

"Husband!" shouted Shampoo, glomping on to Ranko, who eyes rolled upwards as she fainted.

"Husband?", cried Shampoo again looking downwards at the pig-tailed martial artist who'd slipped through her arms in the process of fainting.

"Just out of curiosity", asked Genma, "how did you get here?"

"I hitched a ride on a jet-liner", Cologne explained.

"But...", Genma continued, "I mean just now, how did you _know _to travel here?"

"I just read the headlines, I figured it was only a matter of time before a pair of martial artists with such an impressive combination of skill and blatant stupidity caused some sort of wild disturbance. In fact here's one I saved".

Cologne held up a newspaper clipping, proclaiming "Lesbian schoolgirls bring Tokyo's Educational system to a halt", with a picture featuring Ranko and Akane standing side by side right before one of their morning battles. Cologne continued talking.

" Actually, I've been around watching you for the past two weeks, I've just been waiting for Shampoo to come in the mail"


	17. Don't you want to be cured?

**Both, Either, Neither**

Chapter 16

In a Pickle

or

Don't you _want _to be cured?

It was a dark and stormy night.

Ha! I've always wanted to start a chapter that way!

Actually, it was neither dark, nor stormy, or night. In fact it was a clear, sunny Saturday afternoon, when Ranko returned to consciousness, apparently back at Uchan's, sleeping on her bed. Ranko stood up and looked around. She walked out the bedroom door, down the hall, and into the restaurant portion of the building. She saw Ukyo.

"Uchan", she said, "I just had the weirdest dream."

"I dreamt that somebody mailed me a cat, a _Jusenkyo cursed cat_, and that it turned into Shampoo... uh, this girl I know from China and..."

"Bad news sugar", Ukyo spoke without looking up from her grill, "that was no _dream_."

"Oh", Ranko absorbed her friends reply, "poo...:

"Yes?", replied a purple haired girl from one of the tables.

Ranko's eyes widened and she nearly passed out again. Apparently Shampoo, Cologne, Genma, Soun, and Akane were still there, seated at two tables that had been pushed together. Kasumi, presumably, had gotten bored and left.

"Err... nothing"

"So we've been talking about your situation son-in-law", the oldest of the party spoke, "and decided that you can marry Shampoo, and as is Amazon tradition, take Akane as your second wife so that the schools may still be joined."

"What!?", demanded Ranko

"We didn't say _that!_', protested Akane.

"Heh, heh", Cologne laughed deeple, "I was just joking. But we may have a solution to your problem."

"My ... problem?", Ranko inquired.

"Indeed", Cologne continued, "It is fabled that somewhere in the hills of Japan there is a lost 'second spring' of cursed young man, you should be able to visit the spring and be forever rid of your 'girl side'. You would be a man through and through."

"But I've been saying all along", protested Akane, "Ranko's _not _a man!"

"Quit you", Soun chided.

"Ranma is 100 percent man!", exclaimed Genma.

"They've been doing this", Ukyo whispered to Ranko, "for _an hour_, if they weren't my only customers so far I swear they'd each be riding one of these", Ukyo waved her spatula, "right out the damn door"

Ranko shrugged at Ukyo and started walking over to the table.

"Ranko!", Ukyo called

"Uh, yeah?", Ranko answered.

"Do some actual _waitressing _for once today and take these okonomiyaki over"

"Okay", Ranko replied. Walked back over to Ukyo, picked up the okonomiyaki and walked back over the table.

"Now I'm going to ask the obvious questions", Ranko stated, "First.."

"Who ordered the beef?"

Genma raised his hand.

"The shrimp?"

Cologne and Shampoo raised their hands.

"The combination?"

Soun raised his hand.

"Why didn't you get anything, Akane?"

"I'm _not _hungry", Akane answered folding her arms.

"Okay... now second: You're saying if I find this 'spring of drowned man' that I will be a man full-time?"

Cologne nodded.

"Now why would I _want _to be a man 'full-time'!"

"Cause manhood rocks!", Genma cheered.

"So the schools may be joined!", Soun joined in.

"When you say I would be a man..."

"You would be cured of your Jusenkyo curse", answered Cologne.

"Yeah, okay", Ranko nodded, "it's a bit annoying ... but ... what's in it for you?"

"Shampoo no want marry girl", answered Shampoo, "Shampoo marry man. Shampoo not want man, could marry Mousse."

"Why would you marry a moose?", wondered Ranko.

"Different story", Cologne cut that line of inquiry short, "so you want in?"

"No", Ranko shook her head.

"No?", Cologne asked, almost playfully.

"No?", Shampoo asked, almost painfully.

"No?!", protested Genma, quite shamefully.

"No!?!" cried Soun distraught

"Yesssss!" cried Akane, triumphantly.

"Really", Ranko explained, "I doubt it's worth the trouble, I'm a girl anyway."

"You _think _your a girl", Cologne responded, "but I feel otherwise."

Genma and Soun nodded their heads in agreement.

"I also feel that you will decide to seek out the 'spring of drowned man'", continued Cologne.

"And _why's _that?", demanded Ranko.

"Because", Cologne answered, "I'm taking Akane as an insurance."

"Wait a minute!", Genma sputtered, Soun picked up with "This was _not _what we agreed to!"

"I'm not insurance!", protested Akane.

"Heh, heh", laughed Cologne, "Come back when you're a man!"

And vanished in a blur, along with Akane. leaving behind some sort of scroll, an urn, and, incidentally, Shampoo.

"Ranma", Soun cried, tears flowing down his face, "You must save my baby girl!"

"Ranma", Genma stated, with considerable more stoicism than his friend, "it's up to you now. You must become a man, to save your fiance, go with honor and courage my son!"

"Wait a minute", Ranko interjected, "if this thing cures Jusenkyo curses, wouldn't you want to go too?"

"Yes", Genma answered, "but I must put your manhood and Akane's life before my own need to ... give up magical sign making, and the _sweet sweet _taste of uncooked bamboo, and the unaccountability of being perceived as a non-sentient endangered species.."

"But there might be enough water for _both _of us!", exclaimed Ranko.

Genma, meanwhile had doused himself with his glass of water and held up a sign, 'I'm just a harmless Panda.'

"I knew it!", exclaimed Ranko, "You _like _being a Panda!"

Meanwhile, a couple in their mid-twenties walked into Uchan's. The took a look at the motly collection of Martial artists seated at the two-conjoined tables. They took a look at the intimidatingly large panda seated with them. Then they backed slowly out the door and ran like mad.

"Goddamn it", groaned Ukyo, "I think I'm just gonna close for the day. What's that stupid scroll say anyway?"

"It's a map", answered Soun, who had unrolled the scroll and was peering intently at it, "It says it's to the 'Japanese Spring of Drowned Man'"

"So", Ranko said, "all we've gotta do is find this spring, I lose my curse, and then we get Akane back. No problem"

"Too, too easy!", agreed Shampoo.

"Then let's go!", exclaimed Soun.

(scene break)

And so they went. The map led them to the same bath-house the Ranko and Ryoga had so eventfully been reunited in front of and _not _to the Furinkan High School's Girls' Locker Room. No. For a bona-fide female student of Furinkan that would have just been too easy.

'_Ah_', thought Ranko to herself, _'my arch-nemesis the public bathes... we meet again'_

'So', suggested Genma via sign, 'This appears to be the place, why don't you check the girls' side, me and Soun will visit the men's side."

"Husband no girl!", protested Shampoo.

"We did this 4 chapters ago", complained Ranko, "besides ... I'm ... a ... girl" ... '_I think'_

"But Shampoo no want _girl _for husband!"

"Then don't marry him!", suggested Soun, vehemently.

"Is too, too late!" protested Shampoo. "We explain Amazon law! Ranma already Husband!"

"You know", griped Ranko, "every once in awhile, I like to be called by my _real _name!"

'Quit Ranma!'', signed her Father.

"Oh, I forgot", Ranko rolled her eyes, 'that's why I hang out with Ukyo."

"Look", Soun took Shampoo by the shoulders, "you want your husband to be a _man_, yes?"

Shampoo nodded.

"!00 full-time man?"

Shampoo nodded.

"Completely free of drowned-girl curses?"

Shampoo again nodded.

"So you and him are just gonna have to go into the girls' side and look for the spring!"

Shampoo sighed, then spoke, "Shampoo no like, but is better have pervert-husband than girl-husband"

"Good", Soun nodded, "now off with ye!"

So Soun and Genma made for the men's side of the spring and Shampoo and a muttering Ranko made for the girl's side. If you listened carefully Ranko seemed to be saying:

"Who ya callin' a pervert"

But Shampoo was _not _listening carefully, and was not a mallet-happy part-time psychopath, so Ranko got away with it injury-free.

They stepped into the locker room. On one side of the divide, Ranko and Shampoo removed their clothes, rinsed with cold water and proceed to scour the bathes for hot springs. On the other Soun removed his clothes while Genma proceeded to rinse himself with cold water. One might think a Panda walking into a public bath-house would cause a panic. Last time it didn't. This time it didn't. But that wasn't to say it didn't cause a fuss.

Kenji Tanaka was had been the custodian for these particular public bathes for 3 years. It was not a job he particularly enjoyed or disliked. It paid the rent. It put food on the table. It was less annoying, in many ways, then his previous job working for the Tokyo Public Sanitation department. Except for when some bastard panda came in, didn't bother to Rinse, jumped right in the pool, and you had to spend a good three hours fishing panda hair out of the bathes. So Tanaka was pissed. Had he been either a smarter man, or a calmer man, he might not have been pissed enough to try and punch out a panda-bear, but as things stood he wasn't.

POW!

Now Genma was a martial artist of highly developed skills. Tanaka was a basically-competent facilities maintenance engineer with no appreciable martial arts skills. But you don't expect random people coming from nowhere to punch you before bathing, so Tanaka managed to land one solid punch, with enough force to drive Genma into the wall. The wall dividing the men's and women's bathes. And by 'into' I kind of mean 'through'.

The Panda bear crashing into the women's side of the bathes didn't cause a panic, either. The wall dividing the men's and women's sides being breached on the other hand... _that _caused a panic.

Tanaka was the first of the men to look through the gaping hole in the divide. _He _was not a pervert. He had a professional interest in the hole itself, and a personal interest in where that asshole-panda had ended up, but that didn't save him from being the first victim of a charging horde of naked women crying_ "Pervert!". _Genma, who had fallen into, and transformed in the Women's bath was the second.

I'm not sure who the third or fourth were, but somewhere along twenty or thirty the main pipeline which fed water into the bathes became a victim, spewing water a good fifteen feet into the air as well as, incidentally, as an ancient looking urn.

Ranko, being female enough to avoid pounding, and pre-occupied enough with her current quest, managed to avoid being drawn into the fight, and grabbed the urn before it shattered, incidentally becoming a redhead in the process. Shampoo, had apparently had the sense to _dress_ before entering the fray, unlike the majority of the women involved in the public-bathes bloodbath. Ranko, called to her.

"Hey Shampoo, Catch!"

She threw her the urn. Shampoo grabbed it and retreated from the battle, Ranko grabbed _her _clothes, and attempted, with some difficulty, to dress mid-riot. Eventually managing to cover both chest and legs, she ran to catch up with Shampoo.

With all the water being thrown around at the public bathes it was difficult to say exactly how Genma's curse had been triggered, but triggered it had been and now Genma and Soun made haste away from the scene of battle, joining Shampoo and Ranko. They didn't stop running until they reached Uchan's, which seemed as good a place as any to regroup. At the time, at least. After looking behind them to verify there was no mob of angry nude women or public bathes custodians still following them, Shampoo and Ranko proceeded through the door into the restaurant followed by Soun and Genma.

Ukyo had customers. After a giant panda walked into her restaurant and sat down at one of the tables the past-tense verb 'had' became truly appropriate as they bolted for the door. Ukyo sighed.

"So now what?", Ranko asked, "We've got two of these urn-things and a map, but we already used the map and we didn't find any springs at the bathes."

Which wasn't technically true, before the chaos started, Ranko had found a 'Slinky' but she figured that it didn't count because it was the wrong kind of spring.

"Hey Look!", exclaimed Shampoo, arm in urn, "There's another scroll!"

"What's this one say?", asked Ukyo, figuring if she didn't have any business, she may as well get sucked into the drama.

"Same thing as last one", Shampoo replied, staring at the map, "But is different map."

Ranko, Soun, Genma, and Ukyo moved to look over Shampoo's shoulders.

"Hey, there's some really small writing there!", Ukyo pointed out, "It says, 'In order to visit Japanese spring-of-drowned-man one must collect three ancient urns or proof of purchase there of and return them to spring location. Offer not valid with other Japanese spring-of-drowned man promotions. Some restrictions may apply."

"Okay", Ranko, "So we've got two ancient urns already, we've got one more to go, how hard can it be?"


End file.
